Orange Tabby is Evil

Hello my fellow miscreants,

As many of you read from last week, My Orange Tabby kitten Ivan has been ill, and I have been giving him first aid.  It’s been traumatic for both of us, he ends up wet with Peroxide & water mixture – I end up wet in blood from the vicious clawing he does.  The good news is his stitches are out so our daily dance is done, no more squirting.

He has been trying to stalk me to exact his revenge for the indignities of his care. I arrogantly thought the issue had passed, after all he is a young kitten, and lacks the stealth of an older cat,  in fact I almost worry about how clumsy he is, his tail and limbs being longer than his body, and out of proportion.  But the Vet said that’s typical, he is essentially a teenager,  although there are more than a few days I wished I could have neutered my own teenagers, and let them have back their bits after they turned 21 – but that’s a different post altogether.

Last night, after work I was in the shower when I heard little Ivan ‘sneak’ into the bathroom.  He ended up tripping and slamming his head into the door, making much more noise than a 2.5 lb kitten should.  I got out and checked him, and he was fine, with no more brain damage than normal for a cat.  Of course I was wet as I held him and as I turned him and checked his head, so he ended up wet as well.

After trying in vain to use my shower to warm myself I came out to see Ivan sitting on the counter, smiling.  It was when I grabbed my towel, and wrapped it around me, and noticed something warm and squishy that I realized why he was smiling.
Needless to say, despite the city’s call to conserve water, I ended up taking 2 showers that day, and drying off with paper towels.

He may not be stealthy, but is has obnoxious down flat.

First Aid Advice – Miscreant style

Greeting my fellow miscreants,

            For those of you interested in animal care and effective ways to treat wounded beings, I submit to you the following.  I should take a second to say How/why little Ivan is now wearing a cone of shame.   I took in a cat that was outside freezing (it was far below zero) and while she loves me without question, she hates other cats, hates them with a passion.  Ivan is about 4 months old now, and he is small orange tabby, and folds up whenever anyone furry tells him to.  The boy has no fight, and with his latest surgery, if you want to accuse him of having no balls, you’d be spot on. 

            Last week, Ivan was attacked by her. Not a playful wrestling match, but a full-out attempt to kill him.  She ended up gouging his neck & stomach.  Both of which became infected.

            A quick and costly surgery later, he is not wandering around with a cone and a shaved stomach & neck.   The issue is I have to clean these wounds daily.

            My first method:

• Wrap Ivan in a towel.
• Pour a small amount of peroxide on the wounds.
• Apologize
• Have him freak out, have him squirm, have him knock over the peroxide and let it threaten my laptop. 
• Use the only towel that is close enough to save the laptop, IE the one Ivan is wrapped in.
• Realize someone is bleeding
• Realize it’s you. 
• Have cat earn its freedom after being essentially dipped in peroxide.
• See the cute orange tabby glare at you promising revenge for this assault and indignity.

Needless to say I only used that method a couple of times before I tried the “Dip in a sink full of water/peroxide” – which surprisingly was even less effective. 

In the end, I found the way. Be sure you are dressed in a tee-shirt or short sleeve shirt.  

• Pick up the victim, I mean cat and hold it by its arm pits, reducing his use of the front claws. 
• Hold it at arm’s length, keeping the rear claws from anything useful. 
• Use spray bottle filled with water/peroxide solution, clean the wounds.
• Sleep with one eye open for the next few years.

This method is very effective at both cleaning out the kittens wounds, and at encouraging the homicidal tendencies that all cats seem to have. 

Oh and on a related subject, anyone want to adopt a stray?

MIA

Hello my fellow miscreants,.

Hard to believe it’s been almost 3 months since my last blog post – about being mugged by squirrels.  I would love to tell you I have been gone because of <insert inane adventure filled with buxom babes>.  Of course, most of you are probably thinking I’ve been gone, and just returning as a condition of my community service.

The sad truth is I have and am working through a personal tragedy. I won’t bore anyone with the details, but I can tell you I am still trying to work through the deep personal loss, and while I have no great insights to share (the internet is already flooded with drunken ramblings for dealing with this issue)  I can share with you some facts you could find useful.

Problems float, and they can swim in any level or amount of alcohol.  So far the only being that is benefiting from my attempt to drown this issue has been the local squirrel population.

There is a difference between passing out and going to sleep – as it turns out,  passing out does not count as sleep.  I have been to work more than once hung over to the point where I am ready to shoot out the lights and break the monitors. Probably not the best way to make a good impression.

No matter how thick the sh!t is piled on, there is always room for more.  I am dealing with the city over a dead raccoon, the local police force for other problems, and about to start to deal with the IRS. Some of these problems were inevitable, some are caused by some ‘interesting’ decisions

I will be back to doing my blog weekly again, and work on keeping my humor sharp, but not too brutal.  And if y’all are nice, maybe I will explain the whole dead Raccoon story

So you can stop printing my picture on the milk cartons, I am back!

Little Rakasha

Hello my fellow Miscreants

Those that know me in real life know I am going through a very rough time. It has affected my blogging and I promise to be back to ‘normal’ as soon as I can.

Last night, my daughter went and got me a rescue kitten. He is small, cute and needs me, a very good combination.  He reminded me of my other cat Buster (the one born in the wrong body). I have decided to name it Rakasha after my book, even though in truth, the adoption fees were more then my book has made.

Last night he was on guard – watching and protecting me as I slept. At some point, he saw something evil crawling on my head. Being that he is a natural hunter, he moved into position, found his high grou

nd and leapt in and attacked. He used his kitten sized teeth and his baby claws, to tear and scratch and drive this intruder off of me.  It was three am on his first night and he saved me.

On another related note, I need to teach him the meaning of the word “Ear” and what one looks like, I would bet after last night he has the taste down.

(and yes I did post this on both blogs – an error caused by Sleep derivation – brought on by waking up at 3 am with a furry ear ring, and not having pierced ears)

The Fur Covers their Evil.

Hello fellow Miscreants,

Some of you that know me in real life (or as close to a real life as I have) know the problem that greeted me last Tuesday. I will spare all of the rest of you the ugly details other than to say my reaction to this was fully justified, and normal.

It’s this reaction that also has taught me that squirrels are actually evil, packaged in cute fur.

It started with I sat in the back yard drinking, not a great plan, but hardly a surprising one.  I had already went and got a 6 pack of Apple ale, (Having a liquor store within walking distance is helpful) when opened one in the back yard.  I then sat in the house wandering between the front and back yard, and consuming the new 6 pack as well as the 5 that were already in the house.  The squirrels in my yard hearing every bottle open as I twisted off its top.

After my 11^th one, I realized I would need more.  While I am sure I would have never been allowed to buy another 6 pack (or anything else), at the time my thinking may not have been that clear. In fact it may have been far more liquid then clear.

As I moved to the back fence on my way to the liquor store, something tripped me. It must have been one of the evil squirrels. I landed on my stomach hard… hard enough to dislodge the apple ale I had already consumed and deposit it into the pile of leaves and straw from the garden. While on the ground, one of the squirrels hit me on the head with something causing me to lose consciousness.

An unknown amount of time later, I woke up.  The sun was still hiding (as was my cat) but the squirrels were out in force, all three of the tree living devils were collecting the last of the apple ale soaked leaves and straw that were next to my poor pounding head.  They all sprinted and hid in their trees as I took my poor bruised body back in side and sent an email to my boss saying I was taking the day off.  I did not tell him about the mugging by the evil furry squirrels, out of fear they would block my electronic communications and get me in trouble.

I am sure that’s what happened that fuzzy night.

As a result of this night, every time I am in the back yard and anyone opens any bottle, they gather and wait! Looking for another chance to mug me.

Revenge of Abject Stupidity?

Hello my fellow miscreants,

This morning, my lovely state is once again under water, this time is the frozen white kind.  Of course being the first snow of the season, the streets are still warm enough to make it melt.  Thanks in part to the deluge of water we got last month, it is now well knows where the ‘low spots’ that water will collect in are. It’s beyond well-known at this point.

As I was driving to work today there was a car, parked next to one of the temporary Colorado ponds with all the windows on the side facing the street open.  The pond extended into the road, and there really is no way to avoid it. As a result, the car is getting deluged by water, some people driving slow and only putting in a little bit, others by driving the posted speed limit, washing the interior in the mucky water, and others driving as fast as they can to either make a huge wave, or to get to their job asap.

I am still debating if this is the single stupidest thing I have ever seen (the fact we were due for a wet night was well-known to anyone with a TV/Radio/Internet) or is someone upset with their significant other found a new and exciting method of revenge.  I know at least 8 of the 10 cars in front of covered the car with a wave of ‘recycled’ water, and I saw a couple of those waves hit the open windows dead center.

I will leave it to your imagination how much water I added.

My first day on the phone

Hello my miscrents,

Now that I have completed training, I am now an official phone drone. Yes, if you are one of the many field techs and you can’t get your question resolved except by calling layer two support, you get to talk to me.

My first day on phones has been ‘interesting’  the que is set to hit me, then my coworkers, in order of when we were hired.  Sadly I am the lowest man on the totem pole, and the most experienced person is in the cubicle across from me, with order to stay off the phone, and help with all my calls.

The first two calls were exceedingly simple (Move an AD object from 1 folder to another, it’s like cutting and pasting a document, but because it’s in AD only a level 2 support monkey (Ie me) is able to do so.  The next call was “I have 4 pieces of ancient tech that used to work but now don’t” gave that one to my ‘mentor’ and he has been working for the last 45 minutes on it.  The next call was “we are from the merged company, and having support problems”  that one had to go to the person second in seniority and once again after 20 minutes, he took the call and I was back in que answering.

Needless to say,  I am looking at the switch board, and feeling more like a receptionist,  all of my ‘advance & experienced’ coworkers are on psychotic bizarre phone calls all of which bounced off of me.  I am doing the rest of the simple ones, but at this point, without a net.

Somehow the first day I am on the phones, and we are being overrun with WTF phone calls.

I think the universe is welcoming me back to the world of the working!

Time for an Intervention

My Fellow Miscreants

It’s time that we all unite and stage an intervention!  I know that most of you probably are more on the receiving side of these, and have little clue how to organize one, but maybe I can help.  I’ll write my speech first, and you can all use it as a template.

“Ma’am,

I have known you all my life. Your antics when I was younger we amusing, and while you often failed me when I truly needed you by refusing my requests, I tolerated this. As an adult, and with a much different perspective, and it would seem your antics are getting more extreme. 

I am sure there is medication that will help; you really need to start taking it regularly, maybe find someone to talk to. 

Seriously Mother Nature, you just flooded my home state, made my neighbors basement into an indoor pool, and converted my car to a mushroom farm.  All that and I still failed my 5^th grade math test because you refused to give me a June snow day from school.

 I don’t know if you and Father Time are fighting, or if you’re going through some type of change, but either way you seriously need your meds!”

All right people, your turn!  And if I get hit by lightning, maybe we will have to reschedule!

The New Position

Hello my fellow miscreants,

the Contract job is going pretty good, considering that I have had 2 weeks of training and still have only limited clues what I am doing.  The job is the first new hires in 18 months,  so they had a confused training regime.  mostly it was “ah what should we show”  or (my personal favorite)  the spend 2 days being told about a system that was put in when the Bangles were in the music charts, only to be told “but we don’t support it, so if you get any calls, refer them to <this place>”

This week, I have the swing shift, because the operation is 24/5 (closed on weekends) there are some interesting shifts, the midnight to 8  shift,  the 8 am to 4 shift,  the 4 to noon shift,  and my current assignment,  the noon to 8 shift.     the early shifts get hammered since the company is world-wide. During normal business hours for China, Russia, Europe and such, the early or over night shifts take a lot of  calls.  enough to prevent people from sleeping at their desks at the very least.

right now, its normal business hours, if your on an unnamed pacific island and happen to need support.  I checked, they get an average of 4 calls a week.

To make matters worse, I am with a trainer, so there are 2 of us to answer any of the 4 calls we can expect this week.

I am torn, between “at least I am getting paid” and “try not to sleep”  and to make matters worse, my badge does not work, so if I leave my cubicle for any reason I have to go to the trainer, and take him with me, or I will be locked out of my cubical.

the good news ? I have more than enough time to edit and write new books, to tease my new Muse (until she falls asleep) and be able to pay my mortgage this month (banks get really cranky when you don’t to that)   the bad news,  I have to do all of it sober.

The sacrifices we have to make. I personally am going to try to get as many swing shifts as I can!

 

wet random thoughts.

Hello my Fellow Miscreants,

Today, as I sit in my car surrounded by the beautiful sound of rain drops, I can’t help but let my mind wander to new events of the last couple of days.

Of course I say that because the rain drops are coming an a horrendous rate and the water surrounding my car is creeping up the door while I pray the car in front of me is able to get started before I find myself swimming for the bus stop.

I also have had to deal with the wee one going to a new and scary place.  It’s tough. I want to go with them, to protect them and keep them safe. To punch the bullies, and beat down the people running the place so they don’t mistreat them.  It is nerve wracking.

But wife sized unit said ‘No’ to that. Both because she doesn’t want me arrested (such a dear) and because it’s her new job!

Thanks to the last of the children moving out recently, we are now an official double income no kids type of couple.  This means improved beverage choices (not just what’s on sale, but what we want to drink) and that we can go out and eat more and have more fun.

Of course that would be easier if we weren’t so freaking tired from work.   Why can’t the bosses just give us the pay checks and not make us do that work stuff?