New Orange scarf

Good morning to all my non-hung over miscreants

Wait, is there any such thing?  A debate for another day.   Today is yet another cat tale – both amusing and proof I need to get out more.   In truth my new job has a strict communication policy, so several of the events I see and would love to share would come with a likely pink slip.  Of course this policy only applies as long as I work here, so should the day come that my contract is not renewed, you will see a burst of blog posts. 

But that’s the future, and in order to see that far forward, I would have to be able to get my head off my desk. 

Yes I am exhausted, and no I am not hung over, it’s more a cat hang over.  You see I have 2 furry beasts,  one is almost a year old, she is KC.  KC is everything you would expect a cat to be, calm, cool, and in control.  She is the ruler of the house, and I am but the humble being that she allows to feed her and change her litter box.  
Ivan,(my 4 month orange tabby) is… unique.  Okay if I am going to be perfectly honest, he should be riding the short litter box.  He is as cute as anything, but not exactly a rocket scientist. His excess spunk and the fact I have had to rescue him several times from the same predicament only re-enforce this belief.

A couple of weeks ago, he started to sleep under the blankets with me.  It was odd, I have never had a cat do that before but it was not a problem either, he would come running in with great glee and jump on the bed, running up my leg and settling in by my stomach.  Ms. KC would sometimes come in as well, but not under the blankets.  She has far too much pride to lower herself to sleeping with sasquatches such as myself.   

Last night I discovered the truth.  Ivan came bounding in – curling up to his spot and started to purr. It was strange his feet and stomach were wet, strange enough I woke up.   I believed the purring to be for me until KC came in to the room dripping wet.  From what I can gather, Ivan was lying in wait until KC went to get something to drink.  And as I have seen him do in the past, he dove on KC’s head.  This time however, the dive resulted in his dunking KC’s head into the water dish, and then he ran to my room and used me as a safe refuge for the night. 

Too bad Ivan doesn’t understand that women never forget.  I am sure one day this week I will come one and KC will be wearing a new orange scarf.

Orange Tabby is Evil

Hello my fellow miscreants,

As many of you read from last week, My Orange Tabby kitten Ivan has been ill, and I have been giving him first aid.  It’s been traumatic for both of us, he ends up wet with Peroxide & water mixture – I end up wet in blood from the vicious clawing he does.  The good news is his stitches are out so our daily dance is done, no more squirting.

He has been trying to stalk me to exact his revenge for the indignities of his care. I arrogantly thought the issue had passed, after all he is a young kitten, and lacks the stealth of an older cat,  in fact I almost worry about how clumsy he is, his tail and limbs being longer than his body, and out of proportion.  But the Vet said that’s typical, he is essentially a teenager,  although there are more than a few days I wished I could have neutered my own teenagers, and let them have back their bits after they turned 21 – but that’s a different post altogether.

Last night, after work I was in the shower when I heard little Ivan ‘sneak’ into the bathroom.  He ended up tripping and slamming his head into the door, making much more noise than a 2.5 lb kitten should.  I got out and checked him, and he was fine, with no more brain damage than normal for a cat.  Of course I was wet as I held him and as I turned him and checked his head, so he ended up wet as well.

After trying in vain to use my shower to warm myself I came out to see Ivan sitting on the counter, smiling.  It was when I grabbed my towel, and wrapped it around me, and noticed something warm and squishy that I realized why he was smiling.
Needless to say, despite the city’s call to conserve water, I ended up taking 2 showers that day, and drying off with paper towels.

He may not be stealthy, but is has obnoxious down flat.

First Aid Advice – Miscreant style

Greeting my fellow miscreants,

            For those of you interested in animal care and effective ways to treat wounded beings, I submit to you the following.  I should take a second to say How/why little Ivan is now wearing a cone of shame.   I took in a cat that was outside freezing (it was far below zero) and while she loves me without question, she hates other cats, hates them with a passion.  Ivan is about 4 months old now, and he is small orange tabby, and folds up whenever anyone furry tells him to.  The boy has no fight, and with his latest surgery, if you want to accuse him of having no balls, you’d be spot on. 

            Last week, Ivan was attacked by her. Not a playful wrestling match, but a full-out attempt to kill him.  She ended up gouging his neck & stomach.  Both of which became infected.

            A quick and costly surgery later, he is not wandering around with a cone and a shaved stomach & neck.   The issue is I have to clean these wounds daily.

            My first method:

• Wrap Ivan in a towel.
• Pour a small amount of peroxide on the wounds.
• Apologize
• Have him freak out, have him squirm, have him knock over the peroxide and let it threaten my laptop. 
• Use the only towel that is close enough to save the laptop, IE the one Ivan is wrapped in.
• Realize someone is bleeding
• Realize it’s you. 
• Have cat earn its freedom after being essentially dipped in peroxide.
• See the cute orange tabby glare at you promising revenge for this assault and indignity.

Needless to say I only used that method a couple of times before I tried the “Dip in a sink full of water/peroxide” – which surprisingly was even less effective. 

In the end, I found the way. Be sure you are dressed in a tee-shirt or short sleeve shirt.  

• Pick up the victim, I mean cat and hold it by its arm pits, reducing his use of the front claws. 
• Hold it at arm’s length, keeping the rear claws from anything useful. 
• Use spray bottle filled with water/peroxide solution, clean the wounds.
• Sleep with one eye open for the next few years.

This method is very effective at both cleaning out the kittens wounds, and at encouraging the homicidal tendencies that all cats seem to have. 

Oh and on a related subject, anyone want to adopt a stray?

Drinking at work should be allowed.

Greetings my fellow Miscreants,

I have managed to find gainful employment again, contract work but still it’s a job. I am now a level 2 tech support specialist.  This means that I no longer get calls from receptionists reporting their solitaire games were broken because they’ve never won a game – they instead these poor souls call tech support who send over someone, and if they cant figure it out then they call me.

I stupidly hoped that this meant I would not get any more inane phone calls, after all Tier 2 at a major company, with offices all over the country the techs they use have to have some level of skills.

Today’s proof from the universe that this isn’t true came from a small office (10 part time users and no IT) so the company called in an external contractor to help them.  This contractor as it turns out runs the local computer & carpet cleaning operation.  So when they called for a VERY simple task (adjusting the screen resolutions and refresh) I was shocked.  During the call, I told the tech to open the windows control panel.  He asked what type of screwdriver he would need to do that.

…..

This is why they need to relax the whole no drinking at work policy.

MIA

Hello my fellow miscreants,.

Hard to believe it’s been almost 3 months since my last blog post – about being mugged by squirrels.  I would love to tell you I have been gone because of <insert inane adventure filled with buxom babes>.  Of course, most of you are probably thinking I’ve been gone, and just returning as a condition of my community service.

The sad truth is I have and am working through a personal tragedy. I won’t bore anyone with the details, but I can tell you I am still trying to work through the deep personal loss, and while I have no great insights to share (the internet is already flooded with drunken ramblings for dealing with this issue)  I can share with you some facts you could find useful.

Problems float, and they can swim in any level or amount of alcohol.  So far the only being that is benefiting from my attempt to drown this issue has been the local squirrel population.

There is a difference between passing out and going to sleep – as it turns out,  passing out does not count as sleep.  I have been to work more than once hung over to the point where I am ready to shoot out the lights and break the monitors. Probably not the best way to make a good impression.

No matter how thick the sh!t is piled on, there is always room for more.  I am dealing with the city over a dead raccoon, the local police force for other problems, and about to start to deal with the IRS. Some of these problems were inevitable, some are caused by some ‘interesting’ decisions

I will be back to doing my blog weekly again, and work on keeping my humor sharp, but not too brutal.  And if y’all are nice, maybe I will explain the whole dead Raccoon story

So you can stop printing my picture on the milk cartons, I am back!

Little Rakasha

Hello my fellow Miscreants

Those that know me in real life know I am going through a very rough time. It has affected my blogging and I promise to be back to ‘normal’ as soon as I can.

Last night, my daughter went and got me a rescue kitten. He is small, cute and needs me, a very good combination.  He reminded me of my other cat Buster (the one born in the wrong body). I have decided to name it Rakasha after my book, even though in truth, the adoption fees were more then my book has made.

Last night he was on guard – watching and protecting me as I slept. At some point, he saw something evil crawling on my head. Being that he is a natural hunter, he moved into position, found his high grou

nd and leapt in and attacked. He used his kitten sized teeth and his baby claws, to tear and scratch and drive this intruder off of me.  It was three am on his first night and he saved me.

On another related note, I need to teach him the meaning of the word “Ear” and what one looks like, I would bet after last night he has the taste down.

(and yes I did post this on both blogs – an error caused by Sleep derivation – brought on by waking up at 3 am with a furry ear ring, and not having pierced ears)

The Fur Covers their Evil.

Hello fellow Miscreants,

Some of you that know me in real life (or as close to a real life as I have) know the problem that greeted me last Tuesday. I will spare all of the rest of you the ugly details other than to say my reaction to this was fully justified, and normal.

It’s this reaction that also has taught me that squirrels are actually evil, packaged in cute fur.

It started with I sat in the back yard drinking, not a great plan, but hardly a surprising one.  I had already went and got a 6 pack of Apple ale, (Having a liquor store within walking distance is helpful) when opened one in the back yard.  I then sat in the house wandering between the front and back yard, and consuming the new 6 pack as well as the 5 that were already in the house.  The squirrels in my yard hearing every bottle open as I twisted off its top.

After my 11^th one, I realized I would need more.  While I am sure I would have never been allowed to buy another 6 pack (or anything else), at the time my thinking may not have been that clear. In fact it may have been far more liquid then clear.

As I moved to the back fence on my way to the liquor store, something tripped me. It must have been one of the evil squirrels. I landed on my stomach hard… hard enough to dislodge the apple ale I had already consumed and deposit it into the pile of leaves and straw from the garden. While on the ground, one of the squirrels hit me on the head with something causing me to lose consciousness.

An unknown amount of time later, I woke up.  The sun was still hiding (as was my cat) but the squirrels were out in force, all three of the tree living devils were collecting the last of the apple ale soaked leaves and straw that were next to my poor pounding head.  They all sprinted and hid in their trees as I took my poor bruised body back in side and sent an email to my boss saying I was taking the day off.  I did not tell him about the mugging by the evil furry squirrels, out of fear they would block my electronic communications and get me in trouble.

I am sure that’s what happened that fuzzy night.

As a result of this night, every time I am in the back yard and anyone opens any bottle, they gather and wait! Looking for another chance to mug me.

I wasn’t flashing you

Hello my fellow miscreants,

Once again I find myself using my blog to apologize for my own misbehaviors or misunderstandings. 

Today’s victim, I mean apology target is the little cute driving in the SUV – to this young woman I have to say I was NOT flashing you.

I can tell from your reaction (speeding up) that you must have mis-understood my intention. I swear you looked so scared, I noticed you even hung up your phone!

But, what you thought was flashing, was more blinking.  Of course both those terms are archaic, ‘Flashing’ would be what your great-grandmother called it,  ‘Blinking’ is perhaps what your parents called it, me I call it ‘using a turn signal’. 

Now I know I was in the right lane when I used my turn signal but I was not in fact going to take a left turn  from that position, I was going to enter your lane.

Clearly you were so afraid of the flashing/blinking/turn signaling that you gunned your engine, and closed the 1.5 car length between you and the car in front of you rather than have my .75 car length car enter that gap.  

While I do appreciate your hanging up your phone, I should point out that if you were trying to get away, your plan failed, being as you almost hit me during your panic run. I also should tell you had I been in my truck or jeep, I would have broad sided you stupid punk butt, pushed you into oncoming traffic and tore most of the impact zone off of that rolling pile of plastic and aluminum you call a car, and gleefully left you for dead. 

As it goes the only reason I laid into my horn was because it was too cold outside to roll down the window and give you the bird.

Of all the things you should do when you see that flasher/blinker/turn signal thing, ACCELERATE is the worse, slow down – maybe do nothing works too at those speeds.       

Back to my fellow miscreants, and on an unrelated note, does anyone know the legality of installing a mine dropper on your daily commuter vehicle? Just thinking out loud.

Revenge of Abject Stupidity?

Hello my fellow miscreants,

This morning, my lovely state is once again under water, this time is the frozen white kind.  Of course being the first snow of the season, the streets are still warm enough to make it melt.  Thanks in part to the deluge of water we got last month, it is now well knows where the ‘low spots’ that water will collect in are. It’s beyond well-known at this point.

As I was driving to work today there was a car, parked next to one of the temporary Colorado ponds with all the windows on the side facing the street open.  The pond extended into the road, and there really is no way to avoid it. As a result, the car is getting deluged by water, some people driving slow and only putting in a little bit, others by driving the posted speed limit, washing the interior in the mucky water, and others driving as fast as they can to either make a huge wave, or to get to their job asap.

I am still debating if this is the single stupidest thing I have ever seen (the fact we were due for a wet night was well-known to anyone with a TV/Radio/Internet) or is someone upset with their significant other found a new and exciting method of revenge.  I know at least 8 of the 10 cars in front of covered the car with a wave of ‘recycled’ water, and I saw a couple of those waves hit the open windows dead center.

I will leave it to your imagination how much water I added.

Sorry I Interrupted

Hello fellow miscreants,

I want to take a moment to apologize to my fellow human beings.  I have been very rude the last couple of days.

So to the four people whose phone call that I interrupted. I apologize.  In my defense for my rude behavior, all I can say is your lights were on, your drive-in was open, and/or your front door had a sign that said “Open” 

I know working fast food, or convenience or independent retail is not your dream job, and if you are close to my age, I suspect that something in your existence misfired. But I have a free hint for you, if you don’t want to do your current job and are in hopes to upgrade your position to a new and better one, maybe you should hang the freaking phone up when you have a client in the store, and make their food, process their purchase, or answer their questions without acting like the most horrible thing in the universe, IE having to stop taking on your cell phone to do your job!

I would work on this rude behavior, but honestly I want my beer/burritos/doughnuts.  So we will have to agree to disagree

That or you can hang the hell up and do your job!