My call from “Microsoft”

For reasons that I cannot fully understand, (or understand at all) I keep getting calls from ‘Microsoft’

These calls are annoying but serve to remind me that no matter how stupid I think humanity is, the fact they are still trying this pitch means that enough people have fallen for it to be worth the time to keep running it.

For me I take these calls as a chance to spread my creative wings. The calls go something like this:

Caller (with an inevitable Indian accent) “Hello this is Majarajs Pednsisofer with Microsoft computing we show your computer has a virus”

At this point I should just hang up, but where’s the fun in that, instead I put on my thickest white trash southern accent and reply something like this

“Holy shit on a stick, Effy Jo shut down that “Blondes with barn animals” website, this here fella says our computater has SARS. Quick go fetch your mama’s sponge bath gloves.”

“Thank you mister, you done saved my family, my youngest, he don’t never wash his hands, and after all his surfing, I just know his peckers gonna fall off now.
SARS WOW – I bettcha we done did get it from that Chinese place we ate at. I thought it was strange them Chinese fellers talking in Spanish – now I know the truth, it’s the Mexican mafia trying to force us to buy burritos so they done gits their cut. I heard from my cousin Daryl that they gets a kick back for every burrito anyone eats anywhere in the world…”

“What’s that Effy Jo ? Got Damn it I done tole her it was a glove not a five shot colostomy bag, never you mind about the gloves, just go get Jr’s condoms, and tell him he can’t go bangin his cousin tonight cause he’s outta rubbers and trying to use plastic wrap instead is why he’s here in the first place.”

Oddly at this point they hang up, or tell me I am not taking this seriously and then hang up.

Personally I think I am taking it as seriously as it deserves!

I need a special band aid

Today while trapped at the office, and feeling a touch of envy about coyotes with the same problem (knowing they can chew off their leg and escape, not really an option for me; combination of my legs being to grisly and no salt) I found myself trapped in the break room by my indirect boss and my co-worker.

I know better than to ask questions of this boss, because the answers will inevitably make my head hurt, not for the sheer brilliance of them, but for the simple fact that most of his problems are self-inflicted, and while I have the proper level of respect for the man who’s name appears at the bottom of my pay checks, it is a struggle to maintain it.

My co-worker asked a simple question: “when will your car be fixed, or did they total it?”

It was at this point I knew I was going to face a challenge.

The boss then regaled the coworker (and me because I could not leave the room with him standing in the doorway) about how he hit the snow bank, and thought it SUV was ruined he based this on the “funny black fluid that was pooling up on the snow.” As it turns out, after getting the SUV towed to the mechanic, and there is nothing wrong with his SUV. The “strange black fluid” he thought he saw, was snow, that had been pushed into his engine compartment Melted and picked up some dirt on its way back down to the ground. The whole thing cost him $ 250.00.

Listening to the entire story, and not laughing in his face hysterically cost me my ability to speak. After all it’s hard to talk when you have CHOMPPED your own tongue.

Anyone know where I can get some specialty band aids? The kind that will go on my tongue?

Setting real goal

I have been working on, tweaking, rewriting, reediting and reevaluating a query letter to try to get something published. The closest thing I can equate to this is that moment when you go to the pretty girl at the bar and try to buy her a drink, the main difference is that it almost never takes the girl 2 weeks to a month to kick you in the nuts.

So to keep my expectations at a manageable level, I am setting my standards at an appropriate level. If I am not served with a restraining order, not given told to burn my laptop, desktop and any word processing equipment I own. I will consider it a success. The kinder the rejection is, the better I must have done.

I have no idea what to do if I don’t get rejected, but I will plan that right after I plan what to do when the strip clubs wall falls down and all the poor girls are out running around needing a ride to somewhere they can get replacement clothing.
And people say I never plan anything!

Monday needs its medication

Its Monday, and my legendary hatred for this day is well documented. But after a night of drinking, and with no hang over to show, I decided that I was NOT going to be cranky on this Monday. However the morning evolved something like this:

Wake up to more snow (after having cleared the cars & sidewalks just to see they all need to be shoveled and cleaned again) = fine

Wake up late to work with more snow – fine, what ever

Wake up late to work with more snow and stuck in traffic – sure, fine what the hell ever

Wake up late to work with more snow, stuck in traffic and have a traffic jam inside the corkscrew ramp at the parking garage because some jackass with a ford truck can only drive 2 miles per hour stopping on every level like a dog in a hydrant shop!!

All this and then I get a call from my mechanic, I had my Jeep towed over after I spent 2 hours on the side of the road with it stalled, to find out it started right up and is purring like a kitten (this is why no thoughts yesterday – the only thing in my head were expletives, lots and lots of expletives.)

It’s official SCREW YOU MONDAY!!!

Or so I thought, then my phone rings, my indirect boss has just crashed his car, and while he is not hurt (Snap) his car is he thinks totaled. Many of you know that this boss of mine, when I say he thinks, I really mean he tries to think, but based on his track record to date, rarely succeeds. I know they say “Even a blind squirrel sometimes finds nuts” but seriously I doubt that this squirrel could find its own nuts.

So to sum up lots of snow – transportation problems and being terminally late for work = bad.
Indirect boss being unable to make it to office for at least 2 days if not more = Good.

The only thing I can conclude, Monday needs to take its Meds.

Why emails are superior to Phones

This week as a gift from the universe, my phone at the office broke. The death of my extension has improved my mood for the week and the quality of phone calls I have been answering. The messages that I do still have to process, remind me why we need to have more ‘editing’ options for voice mail systems

I prefer email when I have to talk to someone, I can write it what I really want to say, and then go back and remove “and the horse you rode in on”.
With Voice mail, I have to get it right the first time, and try not to sound like the dim wits that leave me messages. Hell in most cases I rely on recognizing the voice and don’t bother with the message. I know it will be “Hi I’m am ramble ramble ramble.” Granted it is fun to listen to their limited knowledge as they try to build causality. It always sounds something like

“Your technician was on our site last week working on my computer, and today my daughter in California is pregnant, what are you going to do about it?”

It’s thanks to the editing of email and the slight delay required to send one that keeps me from replying “We’ve seen pictures of your daughter, should I remind you none of our technicians are blind” replaing that sentence with an “interesting”

The Great Lie

After hours of contemplation (mostly while sucking exhausts fumes during my rush hour trek home) I have concluded that there is one sentence that is the ultimate lie. No matter when it is applied, or how it’s applied, or by whom it’s a complete untruth/Lie

I submit the following questions:

[To wife] do you care if I wear my favorite (hole ridden and grease stained) shirt to dinner out or should I put on something else?

[To boss] Do you want the data sorted in any way, right now it’s just raw information?

[To client] do you want option 1 that costs more money but is simpler to do or option 2 that’s cheaper but requires training to use properly

In all three examples the answer is always the same lie! “I don’t care do what you want”

In truth what they are saying is ‘you do something so I can decide to do the other option’ in all of the years on this planet, I have never once managed to guess the right answer when they say ‘I don’t care’. I am about sure the truthful answer is “I don’t want to decide I want you to so I can correct you”

I am starting to think I should go to my normal answer “2:15”

“2:15” is what I do to avoid a question, be it “does this make me look fat?” “Do you think I am stupid?” or “I’m doing what do you think?” that answer makes the person stop and have to re-explain the setup to the question, sometimes I get lucky and they see the obvious problem with the question, other times I just have to sigh and say “now it’s 2:17”

I would expand on this more, but its 2:19….

Cheating on the Wife

I am sad to report that it finally happened, my wife caught me cheating. As I sit her waiting to see my fate with her I have to point out a couple of things.

1) I never intended to cheat on her, it just happened.

2) I had been cheating on her only for a little while before she caught me

3) I was cheating on other women as well, it’s just my nature.

4) I only did it to meet my basic male need.

I am pretty sure as I type this that there is only 1 inevitable outcome to this:

She is never going to play ‘Words with Friends’ with me again, knowing that without the scrabble word finder, I will never manage to beat her, or even get close to her score. I’m a man, and need to at least get close to winning!

I should have known she wouldn’t buy that I thought of Kousso without help

(And if any of you thought I was talking about ‘CHEATING’ cheating, keep in mind it’s hard to blog with all the bones in your body broken and breathing being a long-lost skill.)

I Must be Evil.

On the way to work this morning, I came upon a poor squirrel in the road, it had been ran over on is back quarter, and was twitching, apparently having decided to not use the cross walk [like several other humans on this stretch or road]

It was obvious that the poor thing was either dead or soon would be. As I was barreling down toward it I had to decide, would it be merciful to run it over putting it out of its misery, or if I should swerve and let nature, or some other vehicle do its part.
Much thought went in to the next few seconds. I remember how one of its cousins, tore a hole in my Jeep top and raided my secret stash of cinnamon crispies. I remember taking a bite out of one then wondering why there were no nuts, only to look down and see squirrel teeth marks where the nuts used to be. I recall finding the hole in my soft top (damage to the tune of 500+) and having my jeep’s interior covered with squirrel crap.

I should point out the reason I was hiding the cinnamon crispies in my jeep is because my wife is worried about my weight. I don’t really know why, I have more than enough. I could point out she is also worried about her weight, but any smart ass comments I make on that subject will result with me on the couch and chilled, due to the simple fact that no matter how many heaters and blankets I try to use, I will never counter act the wife ‘cold shoulder’

I did consider that I was in the wife’s van, so any strange dead squirrel odor on the tires wouldn’t be my problem. Plus it was rush hour, so swerving is not really an option.

Still I decided to be evil and miss the poor beast, or so I think, truth is a bus ahead of me and in the other lane swerved into my lane and flattened the entire debate.

All I can say is way too much squishiness for that early in the morning.

The Horn Redefined.

I admit it has been 29 years since I took Drivers ed, but as I was driving home yesterday I came to the obvious realization that the horn is no longer a warning device, but in fact has been repurposed as an idiots matting call.

This conclusion was reached after several hours over the last year sucking fumes in rush hour traffic and letting my mind wander to whatever dark corner keeps me from jamming the accelerator to the floor and turning my commute into the worlds slowest demolition derby. In other words it has scientific credibility

I base this on the sheer stupidity that people who earn the horn do behind the wheel to earn a long Honk! I am convinced that it’s actually the computers in the cars that are trying to mate, and the horn is the matting call. The other option is that people are in fact that stupid, and that the world needs more choline in the gene pool.

I would give more samples of this, but the car behind me is issuing a mating call to my car and apparently wants me to stop blogging and get my butt to the office!

Monday ?

Today I woke up on time, feeling fairly well rested. I had cereal and milk for breakfast (as opposed to finding myself missing one or both like ‘normal’, and OJ as a bonus. Got to the office on time, found a great parking space, had only a small amount of static on the drive in. And when I got it, my indirect boss emailed to say he was going to be out for the day, and my least favorite client in the world emailed me to say they may be bought out by a new management company.

Now I am paranoid, Monday is being WAY too nice. Not that I don’t have good Mondays, but they are so rare and the last time I had one was back in 07. (Mondays that fall during vacation or holidays don’t count – FYI)

So the question of the day is am I too paranoid, as I sit her hiding under my desk waiting for Monday to unleash its full furry? Or is Monday trying to mess with me….