Easter Need Something.

Greetings my fellow miscreants. In spite of my best efforts I am up and out of bed on this fine Sunday Morning. After hearing my neighbor’s three boys (whose total age would not equal 12) outside gathering their Easter eggs, I went out and checked my traps.

The dead fall is clear, the snare is still set, the leg trap is intact. Somehow that freaking Easter bunny managed to run thru the yard, poop out plastic jelly bean Easter eggs and avoid all of my cleaver attempts to snare him.

I am starting to know how While E Coyote fells. Granted I should have had better luck, after all I went to the home improvement store and bought my own goods, being as Acme’s entire line of rockets is on hold due to said Mr Coyote’s pending law suits.

There are two problems with Easter that I can see:

Problem # 1: I can’t over indulge in candy, and am financially comfortable enough to be able to afford Ham dinners on demand; it’s sort of lost its appeal. I don’t do anything more special for church today than any other time off the year.

Problem # 2: there is no Easter villain. Christmas has Scrooge, Ground hog days had Phil, even Arbor days has beavers. But when it comes to Easter, we got nothing. I suppose I could go to a traditional Chinese restaurant and order the leg of rabbit, but somehow “I’ll have a number 34” doesn’t have the same impact as “bah humbug”

We need to talk Elmer Fudd into forgetting about bagging Bugs, and go after the Easter bunny! I should start an online petition!

My idea for a Self-help book

As many of you know, I like to think of myself as a writer, While I have as of yet to publish squat, I write fiction. If you have ever read my works, you would agree that everything I write had better be fiction! This gives me a unique perspective, being as I enjoy lying in my stories, and I would like to think I am proficient at it.

But the events of the last 48 hours or so are filling my miscreant brain with the thought that maybe I should change speeds and write a self-help book “the art of lying”. Others have already written this, so no need for me to, but it should be updated.

I should ask the original authors to update it, to include details about the internet and electronic communications impact on lying. Granted I doubt that Mark Twain will answer the letter or honor the request, using the whole “I’m dead” excuse

My rant is today is brought to you by a couple of long emails from a couple of people explaining how something I requested was not possible because of ‘time’. This would be an acceptable lie, except it took longer to write out why they couldn’t then it would have to just do it.

So my basic tips about how to best lie.

Don’t be specific: if you mention a problem that is stopping you, the other person likely will offer to fix that, and then you’re stuck or caught. Obviously if you spend more time typing why you don’t have time then the task would take, you will desperately need my book .
Avoid lying to people smarter than you. For obvious reasons

Know the facts about what you’re lying about or at least assume the person you’re lying to knows them.

If you’re using email or text or any other form of impersonal communication, be ready for the person you lie too to have a poor reaction.

My last tip – don’t bother lying to spouses. If you’ve been married more than a year (and I would assume dated for at least as long) they will catch you before you fingers stop moving or your lips stop flapping.

Sorry if my humor is off today, I just had to drive down town to ‘push a button’ because the on call guy that lives 6 blocks from the office can’t find his keys. or I think thats what he said, couldn’t hear him over the band in the background.

I’m Back!

Greetings fellow miscreants, I apologize for no posts the last couple of days, but my prank with the software the other day backfired, and my indirect boss came back earlier than scheduled. That and I have been running non-stop.

I debated about whether or not to rant on about the sheer stupidity of trying to use the admins tools against the admin, it strikes me as smart trying to use a Fox’s stomach to keep your chickens safe. But I decided to take the high road and leave the indirect report alone. After all because of his ‘help’ I drew the short straw today, and had to go out to the field all day yesterday

Of course there is a cost; I have to explain to the indirect boss the value of the software again… I would have better luck trying to talk a cow into the value of hamburger.

But again that’s not my rant, my rant today – One of my clients attempted to get me killed.

Most of you know I am a computer tech. My choice of profession was a result of being younger and dumber and not realizing how prolific these stupid things were going to be. If you met me in real life, I would probably lie and tell you I’m a Proctologist. No one ever asks a Proctologist for a free exam at a party, no matter how drunk they are. But if their computer has ever done something strange or stupid, asking the computer guy in a social setting is somehow perfectly acceptable.

Most of you also know that when I am in ‘professional mode’ (meaning billing for the company I work for) I bill out at 175.00 an hour. Even on my own time I get between 50 and 125 an hour (depending on how much I like you, and how much of a pain in the ass you are)

I was working in professional mode at a real estate client and moving a huge amount of data. Because they do a lot with properties, finding over 60 GB of photographs was far from surprising. All neatly organized in folder BBBL, MBBL, SBBL, and so on.

The client was told that to move that much data twice, would take extra time, over 2 hours, and I offered a faster cheaper way but he declined. After I moved the data to my external drive, reformatted and reloaded the computer, upgraded the HD & added Ram, I copied the data back.

When I got home, my wife asked for my drive, she wanted to move some of her family pictures to another computer. I gave her the drive without a second thought. A moment later, after I heard my son (who was helping her with the transfer say “That’s wicked sick cool” My wife ‘summoned’ me with that wife tone that carries with it the explicit message “Come here now or die”

As it turns out, BBBN stands for Big Breasted BLonde. I was just paid over 350.00 to transfer someone’s type “A” organized porn collection. The only good news is my Son approved it as much as my wife objected to it!!

What do I need to do to be so rich I can be so stupid?

Jamie Ryder: Monolog

[yesterday’s prank backfired, my indirect boss came in a day early, so no new thoughts for you today. but fear not I will be back with my own normal brand of snarkyness tomorrow- for now, only have this blog entry from the other side. ]

Follow my Attempt to Change to an Author

I have a friend that wants to shoot a trailer for my book – this is what I came up with, if we go with it or not is debatable, but it turns out he’s not some guy with a 8MM camera and delusions of grandeur, he has a real rig, and full setup – I am impressed.

So this is what I wrote for him, if we can do this I will have to upgrade WordPress so I can upload the Video for all of you. It maybe used for Kickstarter to help me get this done. but that’s a discussion / decision for later.

[Open with a close up of a female face shot with a complete black back ground]

My Name is Jamie Ryder; I was pretty much a normal girl.

[Flash to a close up shot of her outside, flipping her hair to reveal her hearing…

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Babysitting Done Wrong

My indirect boss is on vacation this week, somehow he not only managed to have children, but to do it twice, and this week they are on spring break.  <Insert happy dance here>

With his absence, I now have time to pursue the important things in the office, like playing words with friends, reading the news, catching up with my friends on Facebook and maybe even do my job if I get bored enough.

The other benefit this has it that my indirect bosses Lackey is fair game. This person is ‘interesting’ I am sure my indirect boss’s proctologist has had to say “let’s unlatch for a moment so I can see what’s going in there”.  I accept that this person has his head up a butt completely; it’s only debatable whose.

I also should point out that we sell a network/work station monitoring program. While it has several excellent uses, it also has a couple of odd ones, like web usage monitoring.  Me, I don’t care what web sites people go to, the only reason I would want to know if they were hanging on porn sites is so I know what keyboards I should wear gloves while using, but some offices demand  this functionality.

This system is installed on our network; I deployed it and manage it. it’s for Demo only. it monitors 5 work stations, mine, my Indirect bosses, his Lackey and 2 virtual machines, one that will crash on demand (to show the crash intercept and reporting function) and the other that has a preset Bat file to open about 10 different adult sights and other work inappropriate sites (to show the ability to track, block and report those uses)

Today the lackey asked for information on the system, and after about 6 seconds I realized he is going to pull my computers activity reports.  I could just let him have them – there isn’t anything in there interesting after all, I do all my real work on my (unmonitored) laptop.

Leaving something alone, does that sound like me at all?

What I did instead was reverse my work ID and the Demo stations ID, then put the Demo station in a continuous loop.  By the end of the day if anyone looks at the logs with the ID’s I gave,  it will look like I spent the last 8 hours surfing porn (Granted even with a fatal over dose of Viagra and enough alcohol to embalm my self, I couldn’t spend 8 hours nonstop surfing porn, but figuring that out is the indirect boss’s problem)

In the morning I will return the numbers to normal.  When anyone checks after that, the log will be just like they are when the indirect boss is around.  I can’t wait to see what happens next week.

It was very nice of my indirect boss to leave me a babysitter to play with while he is on vacation, I wonder what other forms of fun I can have……

My first pet Troll

I know that trying to publish, and putting my work on the internet is a risk,  so far I have found 1 uberfan, and a couple dozen fans. But I now have my first troll!

I suppose it says something about my miscreant nature that this makes me happy. I have been myself enough to piss of someone who’s only role in life is to look for offensive material on the internet.  That’s a bit like searching for salt in the ocean.

Unlike my other encounter with ‘preacher’ this person I have never met, so she (I am assuming it’s a she) has the anonymity of the internet to keep her safe, unlike preacher who’s safety is in the form of “if I have to use my beer money for bail, I’ll be sober for at least 2 weeks”

I have a review of the first chapter of my book on create space (link is https://www.createspace.com/Preview/1122005 ). I received a Private message saying “your work encourages under aged drinking” Hmmmm, the story starts out with an 18-year-old sneaking into a section of a bar and ordering a cape cod then getting possessed by a demon and blacking out.

The three obvious problems with that review –

1)  Kids drink, whether I write about it or not.  Saying they will read about this and go try it is short-sighted.  By that logic if no one ever writes about teen-aged pregnancy, it will never happen!

2) Going to a bar and getting possessed by a demon – there is no part of that sentence that ‘encourages’ anything.

3) ITS FICTION!! Come on, I mean if this were an autobiography or biography then we could talk, and while it maybe as accurate as some people’s biography’s we all know its fiction.

Ok, I’ll step off my soap box, and get back to reality, or at least my reality.  Its Monday, boss is gone, computer is frozen, and I had to park 3 blocks from the office because of construction.  Plenty to bitch about without having to deal with trolls.

Monday sucks.

Teaching Children to Talk – Don’t Rush it!

Thanks to the comical math of the universe I am a grandfather, even if I am only celebrating my 16th anniversary of my thirtieth birthday) like many people I assume I thought grandfathers were all in their 60 and kind old codgers.

The math doesn’t work, the oldest of the kids are in their 20’s, the same age I was when I had them.  So 20+20 tacking on a couple of extra numbers, and grandpa at my age is all but a promise.

Listening to my 5 year old grandson, I realize I forgot to pass on a great piece of wisdom to my kids.  Don’t rush your kids speaking.  The reason, from their first word to the day they turn 13, they are not really talking – they are repeating everything you say, often out of context.

My example of this? My company had won a contract with the Department of Corrections. It was huge contract and I was the lead on it, doing the entire install and training, spending 3 days away from home to accommodate this.  At this time, my being away was a new thing; my kids (aged 11 and 8) were still adapting to just the three of us.

At the end of the third day I called my then girlfriend and said to bring the kids and meet me at one of our favorite restaurants.  I had been gone and missed them, and the idea of a ‘family dinner’ appealed to everyone.

She arrived first and had a table, I arrived and walked over to have my daughter yell out “Daddy, you’ve been gone forever” and my son also yell out “Hey Dad, how was jail”

If I ever invent a human mute button, I will be a disgustingly rich!

Teach your Children well – but not too well.

For today’s twisted tail of parenting, we need to look back to the days when my beloved small sports car was new, and my job at the time required travel 26 weeks a year. I love my little sports car, it’s a convertible, has a V6 engine and has a back seat on paper (the 6-year-old complained about it being too small) I love to drive this, and may have driven it faster than the speed limit on occasion, like days that end with Y.

One day I read that the toll road was going to start sending warning letters to drivers that were in major excess of the speed limit. These letters would be sent with warnings, and threats of further action. Of course the same article said that none of the threats mentioned were legally enforceable.

So if I go between 2 toll plazas, spaced 5 miles apart. I will get a letter telling me how fast I was going. To my wife this would be reason to complain, loudly; to me it’s a challenge! So after flying home I take the little car out and I put it to the test. I make excellent time. The next morning, I get a call, I need to return to the California office Monday, rearranging my schedule.

This is a problem, not because I can’t go, but because I am expecting my letter on Thursday telling me to slow the hell down.

For obvious reasons I don’t want my wife to see this letter! But I have an answer. I offer my daughter 10.00 if she brings in the mail while I am gone and intercepts the letter.

I take my trip and return home, and go to see my hell spawn as soon as I walk in. she and her brother are in her room waiting. She has the letter, but the price has doubled. Being black mailed by my daughter was ‘interesting’ but I was ready, and gave her a second 10.00, which she then gave to her brother.

Any thoughts I had about how nice she was to share disappeared when her brother went down to the kitchen and told my wife I just gave him and my daughter 10.00 to keep a secret, and that he would tell her for another 20.00

My wife went immediately to my briefcase, got my wallet and paid the bribe, with my cash. And was …. What is it when you’re pissed, then get even madder, then madder still? Anyone have a good word?

Anyway as it ended my kids each walked away with 20.00 and I ended up 40.00 poorer, in the dog house for a week and still had a nasty letter that she never let me see {I wanted my exact time, so I could figure my speed}

Moral of the story, have stupid kids – you can always train them enough later to move out…

Fueding Done Wrong.

sorry not post today – stayed up way to late, but the misadventure of the meeting almost made it over here anyway…

Follow my Attempt to Change to an Author

A little off subject, but tonight I went to a publishing event – met 4 authors with different approaches to how to get published, and learned quite a bit.

While all of the lessons learned were important, the most important was “never match wits with someone smarter than you”

Some background, at the critique group, a bunch of us traded work over a coffee and doughnut. Mine went to a woman named Preacher.  As my friend M.L Newman can attest, my work (I think is well written, flows well, and punctuated badly. In addition If it were a movie, it would be a very SOLID R. Preacher read a few chapters, and stopped when the co-ed and the demon both woke up naked.  It was an uncomfortable scene. She stopped reading right there.  She also cringed at all the bad words and ‘adult situations’ in Rakasha.

It turns out she…

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