I am almost reluctant to say that people have once again managed to lower the bar on the ‘how stupid can they be’ gauge. Mostly because every time I think I
set the bar as low as point possible, someone once again proves that there are still more branches on the stupid tree.
Today’s shining example of why the gene pool needs more chlorine is courtesy of customer ‘douche bag’ [and in advance I would like to apologize, to the douche bags of the world – I know you have an important function and putting this being in the same category is not fair, but what the hell, I am the writer, if you’re really upset, you can come protest]
Anyway Client ‘Douche Bag’ calls and leave a curt, short and almost devoid of detail message “this is ‘client douche bag’ someone needs to call me back NOW” I should point out at this point, this message would already be on the ‘not gonna happen’ list, Clients are told to leave call back phone numbers, and information about the issue, so we can put the proper person on helping them. We’re not going to look up information and try to guess, we only get 25.00 for the call, so the level of effort we will put out for that is limited, but that’s not the real problem here anyway.
Client Douche bag would have helped himself more if after leaving that message he had hung up his cell phone. Instead he put it down, with the line still open and spent the next 4.46 minutes telling someone how much he hates everyone on our staff. From the “granola smoking” coworker that only smokes “organic weed” to the “big guy that dresses like a death eater” (Me). He wasn’t smart enough to leave his phone number, but was stupid enough to not hang up and proceed to berate every person in the office, pointing out any number of deficiencies. He only got about ½ the staff before the line dropped.
And being that I am a complete bastard I came up with the plan to address it. Fast forward 4.5 hours after he left the call and he is calling again. I took the call and when he started to complain that no one had called him back, I played sections of voice mail for him out loud, than ended with “sorry I didn’t hear a phone number in there, we can hear more if you want…”
His problem turned out to be trivial, one click cured it. When he asked if he was being billed 25.00 for this I honestly told him no.
He has been banned from the help desk, so now all his calls will be dealt with by a full consultant, at 175.00 and hour, with a ½ hour minimum. You’re free to call me the anything you want at 175.00 an hour.