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Heart Healthy Fried Chicken.

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To celebrate the fact someone tagged me for what’s either an award, or chain letter (blog style) I thought today I would post a recipe for a heart healthy fried chicken!

Disclaimer, if you follow every step exactly you will get some awesome fried chicken and a heart rate that exceeds what 2 hours of Cardio would do. Miss a step and you could end up homeless, with a very annoyed spouse. [and if your dumb enough to do what some unknown guy on the internet tells you please find my “where to send all your worldly possessions” blog entry]

Ingredients: You need chicken, flour, pepper, a greasy/oil covered jacket (I prefer denim jackets, or anything made with natural fibers, the kind that burn not just melt), 2 towels, 3 large containers of salt, some industrial sized containers of taco seasoning, Paprika, Garlic salt, Lemon Pepper and Dried Oregano. A cast iron pan large enough to hold all of the chicken, and deep enough to allow it to all be submerged at the same time it also has to be wider than the burner. A bunch of oil, a full roll of paper towels, a wet pot holder. Be sure to wear a long sleeve shirt.

Perpetration: put some flower and pepper in a 1 gallon bag, be sure your sinks (both sides) are filled to the brim with dirty dishes [to the point that you can’t move the faucet] if you have a hand sprayer, make sure it is buried under all the dishes. Put the greasy jacket on a chair in the kitchen, put the towels in the closest bathroom to the kitchen (even if it doesn’t have a shower/bath) put wet pot holder on counter next to the paper towels and put all the other things in a cupboard near the stove.

Put the pan on the stove, realize that cooking on medium is stupid, so set the burner to high. Fill the pan all the way to the very top with oil, do not leave even a 1/10 of an inch between the lip of the pan and the oil. Heat oil. Hold plate with chicken over the pan, drop all in the same moment, allowing the oil to spill over coating the entire top of the stove, with a small trickle touching the red-hot burner and create an almost epic fireball.

Pull back you burning arm, swatting out the flames on your long sleeve shirt while using all the words that you had to skip recess for a week back in the Fifth grade for yelling.

Realize the oil that spilled out and is now covering the stove top is still on fire. Grab roll of paper towel and start to slap at the flames, discover that paper towels are flammable and that soaking in oil does not reduce this characteristic. Run to bathroom with flaming roll of paper towel and throw into the toilet, realize that stove is still in fact on fire and return.

Dump all the salt in the house (all 3 containers) on the stove, reducing the flames to about 25% of original fire size. Grab bag of flower, tear open and pour from a height on remaining flames. Realize that flower dust is as flammable as paper towels, returning fire to its original size as well as creating a second epic fireball. Start dumping all the spices in the cupboard, saving the oregano for last. Discover dried oregano is also very flammable.

Briefly debate if it would just be easier to get a new apartment, decide against it because you don’t have any soft copies of your D&D characters. [realize you just outed your self as a D&D Geek on your blog]

Grab greasy jacket that you put on the chair and beat on flames. Do this fast enough to reduce the flames to about 10% of their original size, and slow enough that your jacket will also ignite. Run to bathroom with flaming jacket, putting it in the toilet next to the soldering remains of the paper towels, decide that you need more water so flush the toilet, soaking your jacket, the towel and simultaneously flooding said bathroom. Grab both towels and return to the kitchen and deal with the last 10% of flames.

Take wet pot holder and move pan from flaming stove to counter. Note that wet pot holder is better at conducting the heat from Cast iron pan this it is at protecting your hand from it.

Extinguish flames with completely worthless pot holder & the towels you grabbed from the bathroom, using your remaining good hand (if you plan this well, your good hand and non-burned arm are both on the same side)

Return to bathroom, shut off toilet that has flooded both bathroom and hallway, return to kitchen and sit down. Watch stove and counters for any sign of future flare up.

Enjoy perfectly cooked and spiced Chicken while waiting for heart to return to a normal beat.

I would make this for my wife but she has banned me from the kitchen for some reason, she won’t even let me make a sandwich anymore. I think it’s a plot by evil cardiologists to keep my healthy chicken under wraps.

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About rbdavis5

I'm me. If I ever find myself I will either update you or call the authorities (depending of how much of a reward there is)

2 responses to “Heart Healthy Fried Chicken.

  1. I believe you just might be a menace to society. Thank goodness for your wife and my friend Sonja. While I love reading your blogs, you are never allowed in our kitchen either!!

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