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The Care and Feeding of Lilliputians

Today I am going to be as close to serious as I can be while sober. I was driving in to the office and observed a couple, the male was tall, the woman much shorter. It reminded me of myself and my wife; he even made the exact same error I used to before I became wiser.

For those that don’t know this my beautiful wife is 4’11” medically she’s a dwarf. I, on the other hand measure in at 6’2” a considerable size difference but after years of careful research and having to have my hands reattached several times, I have learned several valuable lessons that I am willing to share with you all.

1) On the top of every Lilliputian’s head there is a ‘piss me off’ button. Should you pat their head, it is inevitable that you will hit this button and activate the ‘Piss me off’ mood option. Depending on how many times you have activated it in recent history will determine how long it will take to return to normal.

2) The ‘piss me off’ button is weight sensitive, if you chose the top of your Lilliputian’s head as a resting spot for your drink, arm or beer, the added weight seems to invoke the “are you freaking serious” circuit. This takes much longer to recover from and often requires wine, candy, or flowers to recover from successfully.

3) Never follow a Lilliputian. Because of some evil genetic twist, they love to walk under object that are 5’10” off the ground. My Lilliputian has led me several times into one of her evil traps, then laughs as I am on the floor holding my head and expending my expletive supply.

4) Never try to get into a car they have recently driven. The seat and steering wheel will be so close that you will never get in.

5) Bending over to pinch their butts is a double no no. Somehow the extra effort you put into molesting them is not appreciated!

The final point I would make is this. While it is true that your Lilliputian is probably not able to kick you anywhere above the shins easily, it also means that as a male, your favorite toy since puberty and guiding influence in your life is right at shoulder/easy punching level.

Consider yourself warned!

About rbdavis5

I'm me. If I ever find myself I will either update you or call the authorities (depending of how much of a reward there is)

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