Hello hello, Miscreants. My name is Charles Yallowitz, and I’ve been asked by the master of the miscreants to list some horrible attempts at book marketing. All in good fun here, so those with sensitive senses of humor, you might want to turn away:
- Kidnap a celebrity and refuse to return them until 10,000 eBooks have been sold. It helps to take a beloved celebrity instead of one that is simply famous. Donald Trump, Snookie, Michael Moore, and others that are more infamous than famous might get you arrested after being stuck in a room with them. The plus side is that you’ll be heading for a padded room instead of a cell.
- Promotional condoms. When a guy is opening a condom packet, he’s not interested in reading what’s on it. As for the woman, if she’s able to read the condom then the guy is doing something wrong.
- Screaming your book title in a crowded theater while the movie is playing. This is exceptionally bad if the word ‘fire’ is in the title.
- Streaking across a football field with a banner trailing behind you . . . in the dead of winter . . . during a snowstorm.
- Promotional urinal cakes. More importantly, this means you’re not advertising to women.
- Throwing copies of your book off the Empire State Building. You thought pennies were frowned upon?
- Signing up to swim with dolphins and try to write your book title on them with a permanent marker. If security doesn’t stop you, the dolphin is going to put the hurt on you. Nobody makes Flipper a billboard and gets away with all of his fingers.
- Dancing with a large picture of your book cover inside the lion enclosure at the zoo. Bears, elephants, tigers, cheetahs, and most other animals are also off the list. You might be able to get away with this in the meerkat enclosure, but prepare to be darted, tagged with a court summons, and released into the gutter.
- Having an Amazon review contest where the grand prize is a night with your wife or husband. The grand prize knows where you live, your eating habits, and where the rat poison is kept.
- Animal sacrifice. If you’re at this point then you probably can’t afford to clean the carpets when you’re done. Also, the best you can afford is a hamster and no demon or ancient god is going to accept that offer.
- Human sacrifice. It didn’t help the Aztecs survive, so it’s not going to help you. Besides, where are you going to find a virgin in this day and age?
- Going on a hunger strike until people buy your book. Good luck proving this over the internet. If people doubt the Ethiopian children on television then you don’t have a chance.
- Promotional Meth because drug addicts are avid readers and the fire really brings out the color of your house’s aluminum siding. Dumbass.
- Use an image of Mickey Mouse on the cover of your book. Disney will sue you within hours and put you to work as a wandering Goofy at their parks. Your family will tell people that you were killed by rabid squirrels in order to save face.
I’m sure there is more that haven’t come to me, so feel free to suggest others if you can think of them. Don’t forget to check out my published epic fantasy novel Legends of Windemere: Beginning of a Hero for .99 cents on Amazon Kindle.