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How to NOT get a job (unless you’re me)

Hello my fellow Miscreants!

For those of you wondering, as of next Monday I no longer be home and semi-productive, but working at an office being semi productive. Of course to get there I had to do the final step of the process.

I need to warn all of you, Try this at home at your own risk. It worked for me, but then again my luck and skills and talents tend to mix in strange numbers.

The process with this recruiter is simple, and the key to success is making an impression. I have two real options, 1) use my humor or 2) weld my name to a cast iron frying pan and smack them on the forehead.   I chose to use option 1, being as my wife-sized unit would be very upset if I ruined her frying pan, not to mention I don’t want my name beaten into my own forehead.

Today’s last ‘step’ was the HR review.  This is a process where someone with too much time and or no other marketable skills sits down with you and goes over the application you just filled out.  I assume they are hoping that I will trip up on one of the questions on the form and they can heroically save the company, before the credit & background check do it and steal all the credit.

Those of you that read my blog know how well I do with BS, and being that I have completed this entire process so far doing everything wrong, I didn’t see a reason to change course now.

The form has some yes/no questions the script probably reads she asks the candidate says yes/no and if needed she asks for more information. Too bad she didn’t give me a copy of the scrip first.

HR:  Do you have a phone?

Me (while holding my cell in left hand) do you mean embedded?

HR looks up with a smirk, and checks the Yes button

HR: Do you have reliable transport

ME: a Car, a Jeep, a Van and my neighbor has a dogsled and 8 poodles.

HR chuckles and checks yes

HR: do you have any Felony convictions?

ME: if you get me a bottle of Vodka and a few hours I can probably get something done.

HR Chuckles again and once again hits the Yes

ME: That may be premature.

She corrects it, and asks the next question, starting to think I am not taking this seriously, although in truth I am taking it as seriously as it deserves.

HR: will you consent to a drug test?

ME: I know the ones you smoke give you munchies, and the powered ones make you hyper, but yeah I’d be willing to give them a taste test for you

HR (Fully laughing at this point) No I mean will you pee in a cup

ME: (as I reach for her coffee cup) well I can top this off for you, but I think the caffeine levels will show too high.

At that point, the interview was done, she either realized how stupid it was, or realized that I was going to keep being a smart ass.  She did give me the contact name, and the information, reviewed the paperwork and setup.

I am not sure if there is a lesson to all of this for us or not, I mean to get this contract, I was 10 minutes late to the phone interview, went to the real interview with a touch of a hangover, and was a smart-ass with the HR person.  And the result of all of this misbehavior is 90 days with renewal options and hire options at a pay rate that is more than both my kids together make.

The universe is a funny place….

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About rbdavis5

I'm me. If I ever find myself I will either update you or call the authorities (depending of how much of a reward there is)

One response to “How to NOT get a job (unless you’re me)

  1. Very witty. I am sure she went home and you were topic of dinner conversation for at least a minute. 🙂 Congrats

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