Drinking at work should be allowed.

Greetings my fellow Miscreants,

I have managed to find gainful employment again, contract work but still it’s a job. I am now a level 2 tech support specialist.  This means that I no longer get calls from receptionists reporting their solitaire games were broken because they’ve never won a game – they instead these poor souls call tech support who send over someone, and if they cant figure it out then they call me.

I stupidly hoped that this meant I would not get any more inane phone calls, after all Tier 2 at a major company, with offices all over the country the techs they use have to have some level of skills.

Today’s proof from the universe that this isn’t true came from a small office (10 part time users and no IT) so the company called in an external contractor to help them.  This contractor as it turns out runs the local computer & carpet cleaning operation.  So when they called for a VERY simple task (adjusting the screen resolutions and refresh) I was shocked.  During the call, I told the tech to open the windows control panel.  He asked what type of screwdriver he would need to do that.

…..

This is why they need to relax the whole no drinking at work policy.

MIA

Hello my fellow miscreants,.

Hard to believe it’s been almost 3 months since my last blog post – about being mugged by squirrels.  I would love to tell you I have been gone because of <insert inane adventure filled with buxom babes>.  Of course, most of you are probably thinking I’ve been gone, and just returning as a condition of my community service.

The sad truth is I have and am working through a personal tragedy. I won’t bore anyone with the details, but I can tell you I am still trying to work through the deep personal loss, and while I have no great insights to share (the internet is already flooded with drunken ramblings for dealing with this issue)  I can share with you some facts you could find useful.

Problems float, and they can swim in any level or amount of alcohol.  So far the only being that is benefiting from my attempt to drown this issue has been the local squirrel population.

There is a difference between passing out and going to sleep – as it turns out,  passing out does not count as sleep.  I have been to work more than once hung over to the point where I am ready to shoot out the lights and break the monitors. Probably not the best way to make a good impression.

No matter how thick the sh!t is piled on, there is always room for more.  I am dealing with the city over a dead raccoon, the local police force for other problems, and about to start to deal with the IRS. Some of these problems were inevitable, some are caused by some ‘interesting’ decisions

I will be back to doing my blog weekly again, and work on keeping my humor sharp, but not too brutal.  And if y’all are nice, maybe I will explain the whole dead Raccoon story

So you can stop printing my picture on the milk cartons, I am back!

The Fur Covers their Evil.

Hello fellow Miscreants,

Some of you that know me in real life (or as close to a real life as I have) know the problem that greeted me last Tuesday. I will spare all of the rest of you the ugly details other than to say my reaction to this was fully justified, and normal.

It’s this reaction that also has taught me that squirrels are actually evil, packaged in cute fur.

It started with I sat in the back yard drinking, not a great plan, but hardly a surprising one.  I had already went and got a 6 pack of Apple ale, (Having a liquor store within walking distance is helpful) when opened one in the back yard.  I then sat in the house wandering between the front and back yard, and consuming the new 6 pack as well as the 5 that were already in the house.  The squirrels in my yard hearing every bottle open as I twisted off its top.

After my 11th one, I realized I would need more.  While I am sure I would have never been allowed to buy another 6 pack (or anything else), at the time my thinking may not have been that clear. In fact it may have been far more liquid then clear.

As I moved to the back fence on my way to the liquor store, something tripped me. It must have been one of the evil squirrels. I landed on my stomach hard… hard enough to dislodge the apple ale I had already consumed and deposit it into the pile of leaves and straw from the garden. While on the ground, one of the squirrels hit me on the head with something causing me to lose consciousness.

An unknown amount of time later, I woke up.  The sun was still hiding (as was my cat) but the squirrels were out in force, all three of the tree living devils were collecting the last of the apple ale soaked leaves and straw that were next to my poor pounding head.  They all sprinted and hid in their trees as I took my poor bruised body back in side and sent an email to my boss saying I was taking the day off.  I did not tell him about the mugging by the evil furry squirrels, out of fear they would block my electronic communications and get me in trouble.

I am sure that’s what happened that fuzzy night.

As a result of this night, every time I am in the back yard and anyone opens any bottle, they gather and wait! Looking for another chance to mug me.

I wasn’t flashing you

Hello my fellow miscreants,

Once again I find myself using my blog to apologize for my own misbehaviors or misunderstandings. 

Today’s victim, I mean apology target is the little cute driving in the SUV – to this young woman I have to say I was NOT flashing you.

I can tell from your reaction (speeding up) that you must have mis-understood my intention. I swear you looked so scared, I noticed you even hung up your phone!

But, what you thought was flashing, was more blinking.  Of course both those terms are archaic, ‘Flashing’ would be what your great-grandmother called it,  ‘Blinking’ is perhaps what your parents called it, me I call it ‘using a turn signal’. 

Now I know I was in the right lane when I used my turn signal but I was not in fact going to take a left turn  from that position, I was going to enter your lane.

Clearly you were so afraid of the flashing/blinking/turn signaling that you gunned your engine, and closed the 1.5 car length between you and the car in front of you rather than have my .75 car length car enter that gap.  

While I do appreciate your hanging up your phone, I should point out that if you were trying to get away, your plan failed, being as you almost hit me during your panic run. I also should tell you had I been in my truck or jeep, I would have broad sided you stupid punk butt, pushed you into oncoming traffic and tore most of the impact zone off of that rolling pile of plastic and aluminum you call a car, and gleefully left you for dead. 

As it goes the only reason I laid into my horn was because it was too cold outside to roll down the window and give you the bird.

Of all the things you should do when you see that flasher/blinker/turn signal thing, ACCELERATE is the worse, slow down – maybe do nothing works too at those speeds.       

Back to my fellow miscreants, and on an unrelated note, does anyone know the legality of installing a mine dropper on your daily commuter vehicle? Just thinking out loud.

Sorry I Interrupted

Hello fellow miscreants,

I want to take a moment to apologize to my fellow human beings.  I have been very rude the last couple of days.

So to the four people whose phone call that I interrupted. I apologize.  In my defense for my rude behavior, all I can say is your lights were on, your drive-in was open, and/or your front door had a sign that said “Open” 

I know working fast food, or convenience or independent retail is not your dream job, and if you are close to my age, I suspect that something in your existence misfired. But I have a free hint for you, if you don’t want to do your current job and are in hopes to upgrade your position to a new and better one, maybe you should hang the freaking phone up when you have a client in the store, and make their food, process their purchase, or answer their questions without acting like the most horrible thing in the universe, IE having to stop taking on your cell phone to do your job!

I would work on this rude behavior, but honestly I want my beer/burritos/doughnuts.  So we will have to agree to disagree

That or you can hang the hell up and do your job!