Drinking at work should be allowed.

Greetings my fellow Miscreants,

I have managed to find gainful employment again, contract work but still it’s a job. I am now a level 2 tech support specialist.  This means that I no longer get calls from receptionists reporting their solitaire games were broken because they’ve never won a game – they instead these poor souls call tech support who send over someone, and if they cant figure it out then they call me.

I stupidly hoped that this meant I would not get any more inane phone calls, after all Tier 2 at a major company, with offices all over the country the techs they use have to have some level of skills.

Today’s proof from the universe that this isn’t true came from a small office (10 part time users and no IT) so the company called in an external contractor to help them.  This contractor as it turns out runs the local computer & carpet cleaning operation.  So when they called for a VERY simple task (adjusting the screen resolutions and refresh) I was shocked.  During the call, I told the tech to open the windows control panel.  He asked what type of screwdriver he would need to do that.

…..

This is why they need to relax the whole no drinking at work policy.

MIA

Hello my fellow miscreants,.

Hard to believe it’s been almost 3 months since my last blog post – about being mugged by squirrels.  I would love to tell you I have been gone because of <insert inane adventure filled with buxom babes>.  Of course, most of you are probably thinking I’ve been gone, and just returning as a condition of my community service.

The sad truth is I have and am working through a personal tragedy. I won’t bore anyone with the details, but I can tell you I am still trying to work through the deep personal loss, and while I have no great insights to share (the internet is already flooded with drunken ramblings for dealing with this issue)  I can share with you some facts you could find useful.

Problems float, and they can swim in any level or amount of alcohol.  So far the only being that is benefiting from my attempt to drown this issue has been the local squirrel population.

There is a difference between passing out and going to sleep – as it turns out,  passing out does not count as sleep.  I have been to work more than once hung over to the point where I am ready to shoot out the lights and break the monitors. Probably not the best way to make a good impression.

No matter how thick the sh!t is piled on, there is always room for more.  I am dealing with the city over a dead raccoon, the local police force for other problems, and about to start to deal with the IRS. Some of these problems were inevitable, some are caused by some ‘interesting’ decisions

I will be back to doing my blog weekly again, and work on keeping my humor sharp, but not too brutal.  And if y’all are nice, maybe I will explain the whole dead Raccoon story

So you can stop printing my picture on the milk cartons, I am back!

Sorry I Interrupted

Hello fellow miscreants,

I want to take a moment to apologize to my fellow human beings.  I have been very rude the last couple of days.

So to the four people whose phone call that I interrupted. I apologize.  In my defense for my rude behavior, all I can say is your lights were on, your drive-in was open, and/or your front door had a sign that said “Open” 

I know working fast food, or convenience or independent retail is not your dream job, and if you are close to my age, I suspect that something in your existence misfired. But I have a free hint for you, if you don’t want to do your current job and are in hopes to upgrade your position to a new and better one, maybe you should hang the freaking phone up when you have a client in the store, and make their food, process their purchase, or answer their questions without acting like the most horrible thing in the universe, IE having to stop taking on your cell phone to do your job!

I would work on this rude behavior, but honestly I want my beer/burritos/doughnuts.  So we will have to agree to disagree

That or you can hang the hell up and do your job!

The New Position

Hello my fellow miscreants,

the Contract job is going pretty good, considering that I have had 2 weeks of training and still have only limited clues what I am doing.  The job is the first new hires in 18 months,  so they had a confused training regime.  mostly it was “ah what should we show”  or (my personal favorite)  the spend 2 days being told about a system that was put in when the Bangles were in the music charts, only to be told “but we don’t support it, so if you get any calls, refer them to <this place>”

This week, I have the swing shift, because the operation is 24/5 (closed on weekends) there are some interesting shifts, the midnight to 8  shift,  the 8 am to 4 shift,  the 4 to noon shift,  and my current assignment,  the noon to 8 shift.     the early shifts get hammered since the company is world-wide. During normal business hours for China, Russia, Europe and such, the early or over night shifts take a lot of  calls.  enough to prevent people from sleeping at their desks at the very least.

right now, its normal business hours, if your on an unnamed pacific island and happen to need support.  I checked, they get an average of 4 calls a week.

To make matters worse, I am with a trainer, so there are 2 of us to answer any of the 4 calls we can expect this week.

I am torn, between “at least I am getting paid” and “try not to sleep”  and to make matters worse, my badge does not work, so if I leave my cubicle for any reason I have to go to the trainer, and take him with me, or I will be locked out of my cubical.

the good news ? I have more than enough time to edit and write new books, to tease my new Muse (until she falls asleep) and be able to pay my mortgage this month (banks get really cranky when you don’t to that)   the bad news,  I have to do all of it sober.

The sacrifices we have to make. I personally am going to try to get as many swing shifts as I can!

 

Monday Missed me.

Hello my fellow miscreants,

So this is my first working Monday on over a month, and I have decided that Monday missed me.  I suspected this would be the case when I woke to find I have no Redbull.   I went to check my email, I have no internet; Comcast is doing ‘maintenance’.  I go to the doughnut shop, to find out they are sold out of my favorite doughnuts. Go to the new Job, but the parking lot is being stripped so have to go to the back lot which is full already, making me park a block away, at least it’s already 85 degrees outside.  Got to the training room to find the AC is out. It takes only a few minutes for me to soak through my shirt.

All this plus I have to go from my office to my interview.  So I get to drive home, grab a clean shirt, then drive like myself (IE a mad man) to the interview – then depending on mood and time, go back to the office, which means going home to get my other dirty shirt back on. (Don’t want to explain why I got a clean shirt for a doctor appointment) and finish the day.) of course, when I am almost back to the office the new boss calls, turns out he is going home, so I don’t have to worry about coming back.

My big interview went like Crap, so all that work and missed time may well be for nothing.

And of course, the last piece of this twisted excuse for a day, I got another call for an interview, but I had to tell them sorry, I can’t interview until Thursday.

A Monday this epically bad can only happen because Monday has missed messing with me…

 

How to NOT get a job (unless you’re me)

Hello my fellow Miscreants!

For those of you wondering, as of next Monday I no longer be home and semi-productive, but working at an office being semi productive. Of course to get there I had to do the final step of the process.

I need to warn all of you, Try this at home at your own risk. It worked for me, but then again my luck and skills and talents tend to mix in strange numbers.

The process with this recruiter is simple, and the key to success is making an impression. I have two real options, 1) use my humor or 2) weld my name to a cast iron frying pan and smack them on the forehead.   I chose to use option 1, being as my wife-sized unit would be very upset if I ruined her frying pan, not to mention I don’t want my name beaten into my own forehead.

Today’s last ‘step’ was the HR review.  This is a process where someone with too much time and or no other marketable skills sits down with you and goes over the application you just filled out.  I assume they are hoping that I will trip up on one of the questions on the form and they can heroically save the company, before the credit & background check do it and steal all the credit.

Those of you that read my blog know how well I do with BS, and being that I have completed this entire process so far doing everything wrong, I didn’t see a reason to change course now.

The form has some yes/no questions the script probably reads she asks the candidate says yes/no and if needed she asks for more information. Too bad she didn’t give me a copy of the scrip first.

HR:  Do you have a phone?

Me (while holding my cell in left hand) do you mean embedded?

HR looks up with a smirk, and checks the Yes button

HR: Do you have reliable transport

ME: a Car, a Jeep, a Van and my neighbor has a dogsled and 8 poodles.

HR chuckles and checks yes

HR: do you have any Felony convictions?

ME: if you get me a bottle of Vodka and a few hours I can probably get something done.

HR Chuckles again and once again hits the Yes

ME: That may be premature.

She corrects it, and asks the next question, starting to think I am not taking this seriously, although in truth I am taking it as seriously as it deserves.

HR: will you consent to a drug test?

ME: I know the ones you smoke give you munchies, and the powered ones make you hyper, but yeah I’d be willing to give them a taste test for you

HR (Fully laughing at this point) No I mean will you pee in a cup

ME: (as I reach for her coffee cup) well I can top this off for you, but I think the caffeine levels will show too high.

At that point, the interview was done, she either realized how stupid it was, or realized that I was going to keep being a smart ass.  She did give me the contact name, and the information, reviewed the paperwork and setup.

I am not sure if there is a lesson to all of this for us or not, I mean to get this contract, I was 10 minutes late to the phone interview, went to the real interview with a touch of a hangover, and was a smart-ass with the HR person.  And the result of all of this misbehavior is 90 days with renewal options and hire options at a pay rate that is more than both my kids together make.

The universe is a funny place….