Drinking at work should be allowed.

Greetings my fellow Miscreants,

I have managed to find gainful employment again, contract work but still it’s a job. I am now a level 2 tech support specialist.  This means that I no longer get calls from receptionists reporting their solitaire games were broken because they’ve never won a game – they instead these poor souls call tech support who send over someone, and if they cant figure it out then they call me.

I stupidly hoped that this meant I would not get any more inane phone calls, after all Tier 2 at a major company, with offices all over the country the techs they use have to have some level of skills.

Today’s proof from the universe that this isn’t true came from a small office (10 part time users and no IT) so the company called in an external contractor to help them.  This contractor as it turns out runs the local computer & carpet cleaning operation.  So when they called for a VERY simple task (adjusting the screen resolutions and refresh) I was shocked.  During the call, I told the tech to open the windows control panel.  He asked what type of screwdriver he would need to do that.

…..

This is why they need to relax the whole no drinking at work policy.

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The Fur Covers their Evil.

Hello fellow Miscreants,

Some of you that know me in real life (or as close to a real life as I have) know the problem that greeted me last Tuesday. I will spare all of the rest of you the ugly details other than to say my reaction to this was fully justified, and normal.

It’s this reaction that also has taught me that squirrels are actually evil, packaged in cute fur.

It started with I sat in the back yard drinking, not a great plan, but hardly a surprising one.  I had already went and got a 6 pack of Apple ale, (Having a liquor store within walking distance is helpful) when opened one in the back yard.  I then sat in the house wandering between the front and back yard, and consuming the new 6 pack as well as the 5 that were already in the house.  The squirrels in my yard hearing every bottle open as I twisted off its top.

After my 11^th one, I realized I would need more.  While I am sure I would have never been allowed to buy another 6 pack (or anything else), at the time my thinking may not have been that clear. In fact it may have been far more liquid then clear.

As I moved to the back fence on my way to the liquor store, something tripped me. It must have been one of the evil squirrels. I landed on my stomach hard… hard enough to dislodge the apple ale I had already consumed and deposit it into the pile of leaves and straw from the garden. While on the ground, one of the squirrels hit me on the head with something causing me to lose consciousness.

An unknown amount of time later, I woke up.  The sun was still hiding (as was my cat) but the squirrels were out in force, all three of the tree living devils were collecting the last of the apple ale soaked leaves and straw that were next to my poor pounding head.  They all sprinted and hid in their trees as I took my poor bruised body back in side and sent an email to my boss saying I was taking the day off.  I did not tell him about the mugging by the evil furry squirrels, out of fear they would block my electronic communications and get me in trouble.

I am sure that’s what happened that fuzzy night.

As a result of this night, every time I am in the back yard and anyone opens any bottle, they gather and wait! Looking for another chance to mug me.

I wasn’t flashing you

Hello my fellow miscreants,

Once again I find myself using my blog to apologize for my own misbehaviors or misunderstandings. 

Today’s victim, I mean apology target is the little cute driving in the SUV – to this young woman I have to say I was NOT flashing you.

I can tell from your reaction (speeding up) that you must have mis-understood my intention. I swear you looked so scared, I noticed you even hung up your phone!

But, what you thought was flashing, was more blinking.  Of course both those terms are archaic, ‘Flashing’ would be what your great-grandmother called it,  ‘Blinking’ is perhaps what your parents called it, me I call it ‘using a turn signal’. 

Now I know I was in the right lane when I used my turn signal but I was not in fact going to take a left turn  from that position, I was going to enter your lane.

Clearly you were so afraid of the flashing/blinking/turn signaling that you gunned your engine, and closed the 1.5 car length between you and the car in front of you rather than have my .75 car length car enter that gap.  

While I do appreciate your hanging up your phone, I should point out that if you were trying to get away, your plan failed, being as you almost hit me during your panic run. I also should tell you had I been in my truck or jeep, I would have broad sided you stupid punk butt, pushed you into oncoming traffic and tore most of the impact zone off of that rolling pile of plastic and aluminum you call a car, and gleefully left you for dead. 

As it goes the only reason I laid into my horn was because it was too cold outside to roll down the window and give you the bird.

Of all the things you should do when you see that flasher/blinker/turn signal thing, ACCELERATE is the worse, slow down – maybe do nothing works too at those speeds.       

Back to my fellow miscreants, and on an unrelated note, does anyone know the legality of installing a mine dropper on your daily commuter vehicle? Just thinking out loud.

Revenge of Abject Stupidity?

Hello my fellow miscreants,

This morning, my lovely state is once again under water, this time is the frozen white kind.  Of course being the first snow of the season, the streets are still warm enough to make it melt.  Thanks in part to the deluge of water we got last month, it is now well knows where the ‘low spots’ that water will collect in are. It’s beyond well-known at this point.

As I was driving to work today there was a car, parked next to one of the temporary Colorado ponds with all the windows on the side facing the street open.  The pond extended into the road, and there really is no way to avoid it. As a result, the car is getting deluged by water, some people driving slow and only putting in a little bit, others by driving the posted speed limit, washing the interior in the mucky water, and others driving as fast as they can to either make a huge wave, or to get to their job asap.

I am still debating if this is the single stupidest thing I have ever seen (the fact we were due for a wet night was well-known to anyone with a TV/Radio/Internet) or is someone upset with their significant other found a new and exciting method of revenge.  I know at least 8 of the 10 cars in front of covered the car with a wave of ‘recycled’ water, and I saw a couple of those waves hit the open windows dead center.

I will leave it to your imagination how much water I added.

Sorry I Interrupted

Hello fellow miscreants,

I want to take a moment to apologize to my fellow human beings.  I have been very rude the last couple of days.

So to the four people whose phone call that I interrupted. I apologize.  In my defense for my rude behavior, all I can say is your lights were on, your drive-in was open, and/or your front door had a sign that said “Open” 

I know working fast food, or convenience or independent retail is not your dream job, and if you are close to my age, I suspect that something in your existence misfired. But I have a free hint for you, if you don’t want to do your current job and are in hopes to upgrade your position to a new and better one, maybe you should hang the freaking phone up when you have a client in the store, and make their food, process their purchase, or answer their questions without acting like the most horrible thing in the universe, IE having to stop taking on your cell phone to do your job!

I would work on this rude behavior, but honestly I want my beer/burritos/doughnuts.  So we will have to agree to disagree

That or you can hang the hell up and do your job!

Time for an Intervention

My Fellow Miscreants

It’s time that we all unite and stage an intervention!  I know that most of you probably are more on the receiving side of these, and have little clue how to organize one, but maybe I can help.  I’ll write my speech first, and you can all use it as a template.

“Ma’am,

I have known you all my life. Your antics when I was younger we amusing, and while you often failed me when I truly needed you by refusing my requests, I tolerated this. As an adult, and with a much different perspective, and it would seem your antics are getting more extreme. 

I am sure there is medication that will help; you really need to start taking it regularly, maybe find someone to talk to. 

Seriously Mother Nature, you just flooded my home state, made my neighbors basement into an indoor pool, and converted my car to a mushroom farm.  All that and I still failed my 5^th grade math test because you refused to give me a June snow day from school.

 I don’t know if you and Father Time are fighting, or if you’re going through some type of change, but either way you seriously need your meds!”

All right people, your turn!  And if I get hit by lightning, maybe we will have to reschedule!

its still the internet

Hello all my Fellow Miscreants,

Being a miscreant is not an easy task.  you must find a way to balance your enjoyment of all things, and maintaining at least some modicum of civility.   Recently a conversation with my UBerfan about her trying to remain anonymous while she publishes. Her Logic, she is a Female, and despite the style and skill she writes with she will be a female first, and an author second. she wants to succeed as a writer, not as a side-show.

I convinced her that the internet was a creepy place, but that she would find that people tended to behave badly only for a few minutes, then they would either move to another target, or start behaving.

of course my UBerfan then went and got a full-time job, so now I can only bug them when they are off work and when I am…(I liked it better when she was as unemployed as I was… but none the less)  Because she was now busy, I started to chat with another author. She became my muse, helping me understand the female brain (or at least get me close enough I could write about it with out spiking my blood Alcohol Level.   she had the same concerns as UBerfan, and I once again gave her my advice.

as it turns out I now owe both my UBerfan and Muse an apology.  I was wrong.

It’s still the internet!  while there is a good section of people who will chat these 2 up out of interest in their  abilities as writers, there are also still more than a few mouth breathers that make it so that any human being with mammary glands must hide behind androgynous names and photo’s. I am tempted to chase down these a$$hats and let them know they are not allowed to harass my muse or UBerfan,  that’s for me to do !

 

 

 

Monday Missed me.

Hello my fellow miscreants,

So this is my first working Monday on over a month, and I have decided that Monday missed me.  I suspected this would be the case when I woke to find I have no Redbull.   I went to check my email, I have no internet; Comcast is doing ‘maintenance’.  I go to the doughnut shop, to find out they are sold out of my favorite doughnuts. Go to the new Job, but the parking lot is being stripped so have to go to the back lot which is full already, making me park a block away, at least it’s already 85 degrees outside.  Got to the training room to find the AC is out. It takes only a few minutes for me to soak through my shirt.

All this plus I have to go from my office to my interview.  So I get to drive home, grab a clean shirt, then drive like myself (IE a mad man) to the interview – then depending on mood and time, go back to the office, which means going home to get my other dirty shirt back on. (Don’t want to explain why I got a clean shirt for a doctor appointment) and finish the day.) of course, when I am almost back to the office the new boss calls, turns out he is going home, so I don’t have to worry about coming back.

My big interview went like Crap, so all that work and missed time may well be for nothing.

And of course, the last piece of this twisted excuse for a day, I got another call for an interview, but I had to tell them sorry, I can’t interview until Thursday.

A Monday this epically bad can only happen because Monday has missed messing with me…

 

More Humor from the Universe

Hello my fellow Miscreants,

today the God/the Universe have decided to teach me another lesson, this time in humility.  As many of you know I am working as the editor of record for the Denver area Writers Meetup 1st annual anthology.   tonight, we had our first meeting to discuss the pieces and decide their fate.  8 pieces were up for review,  1 was rejected before review, because the author has dropped communication with us making it impossible to use his piece.  the other 7 pieces were reviewed.  as the editor of record I disallowed my self from voting on the pieces,  I did leave my self the option to override with in very limited parameters the decision of the panel. No one on the panel knows who the author of each piece is, only I do.

There is a point system, and 6 people on the panel.  6 points and the piece is in the anthology.  Anything over 13 points, and your piece is out.  6 to 12 points and the piece can be used, but the author will have to address some specific complaints.

3 of the pieces were rejected, one scoring an impressive 17 (meaning everyone said No and 1 person said maybe)

two pieces scored a 7 and 2 of them got 8’s

1 got a perfect 6.

My Veto power was good enough that the 7 was moved into the accepted range.  the other 7 will need only a very small number of edits, in truth it was suggested that I put both the 7’s through.

so tonight I start the process of personalizing 2 emails to the authors that got the 8, asking them for specific changes and to resubmit.  The other pieces I have to thank they kindly, but tell them that for the moment, the pieces would need far more work then we believe can be done in the time frame.

so where is the humor in this almost laborious setup ?  (and why am I not sending an email to the person that scored the 7?)

the piece that got a 7 is mine…

Needless to say, not only do I get to write 3 emails (2 specific, 1 very generic) but I then get to make the 6 changes to my story and resubmit to a new panel

I once was told that “if Beer is author juice, the tequila is editor Juice”  I am starting to understand what that means.

Failed the First Drug Test

Hello all my fellow miscreants,

today I will have to go back to take my drug test, again.

yes sadly I failed the first one that I took yesterday.  For those of you in the know, you have to be thinking “how did he  fail it so fast”  the truth is I failed it instantly.

did they detect some obscene drug in my system ? did they have x-ray or some type of spectra-graphic vision and see the problem. was I munching on a bag of Taco Hell and giggling while calling everyone Dude or buddy ?

NO – it was my own bad habit that failed me, one that I should truly apologize for. One that is born from my love of doughnuts and Potato chips, and my habit of eating meals served in bags by places that have slides and ball pits.

that’s right, once I topped of my sample cup,  I was informed that I had failed, and would have to re-test. because they heard water running in the restroom.

they forgot to tell me NOT to wash my hands.   I would say how badly this pissed me off, but the pun is too easy (even if accurate)

I just got the email saying they will pay for another pretest (according to their policy they normally don’t, but they can see the issue on this one) So  today after I fill another sample cup, I will thank them, and give them a hardy hand shake!

its moments like that I realize there is a reason I don’t like to leave my basement!