thank you for speeding!

Good Evening my fellow Miscreants,

I was headed from Aurora to the ½ way to Fort Collins meeting point that my wife sized unit or myself to go every weekend to deliver her spawn to his other parent (the term ‘father is up for debate, we know genetically he is, but as a life influence goes…) and wanted to express my gratitude.

I have driven this route several times. I probably could do it with my eyes closed, except for the traffic, the one Variable.  Tonight as I drove, I waved to the young man in the pickup truck, and hoped that my parade princess wave was appreciated. After all he did me a great service.

As we drove, he came up behind me. It was work for his Ford pickup to catch my small convertible, and to be honest had I not shed 15 MPH off of my speed he never really would have.  Of course he objected to this drop in speed using his lights, flashing in Morris code “move your a$$ I want to drive”

I complied, after all I knew I could not go into that section of the highway in the condition that it was in at the speed he wanted, and so I deferred to his youthful vigor.

He made it about ½ a mile before the on ramp he passed lite up like a pinball machine.

I can’t help but wonder if he realized the condition of the highway I mentioned earlier was there was no patrol car with its latest catch?  The police park at this location everyday all the time. You can set your odometer by this speed trap, and you can also tell the people who live in the area from those that don’t. The residents, like myself, know to slow down.  The police set up there any day ending with a Y.

I hope the officer cut you a small break my young friend, and thanks for smoking him out so I could return to the real speeds, not just the posted speed limit.

Babysitting Done Wrong

My indirect boss is on vacation this week, somehow he not only managed to have children, but to do it twice, and this week they are on spring break.  <Insert happy dance here>

With his absence, I now have time to pursue the important things in the office, like playing words with friends, reading the news, catching up with my friends on Facebook and maybe even do my job if I get bored enough.

The other benefit this has it that my indirect bosses Lackey is fair game. This person is ‘interesting’ I am sure my indirect boss’s proctologist has had to say “let’s unlatch for a moment so I can see what’s going in there”.  I accept that this person has his head up a butt completely; it’s only debatable whose.

I also should point out that we sell a network/work station monitoring program. While it has several excellent uses, it also has a couple of odd ones, like web usage monitoring.  Me, I don’t care what web sites people go to, the only reason I would want to know if they were hanging on porn sites is so I know what keyboards I should wear gloves while using, but some offices demand  this functionality.

This system is installed on our network; I deployed it and manage it. it’s for Demo only. it monitors 5 work stations, mine, my Indirect bosses, his Lackey and 2 virtual machines, one that will crash on demand (to show the crash intercept and reporting function) and the other that has a preset Bat file to open about 10 different adult sights and other work inappropriate sites (to show the ability to track, block and report those uses)

Today the lackey asked for information on the system, and after about 6 seconds I realized he is going to pull my computers activity reports.  I could just let him have them – there isn’t anything in there interesting after all, I do all my real work on my (unmonitored) laptop.

Leaving something alone, does that sound like me at all?

What I did instead was reverse my work ID and the Demo stations ID, then put the Demo station in a continuous loop.  By the end of the day if anyone looks at the logs with the ID’s I gave,  it will look like I spent the last 8 hours surfing porn (Granted even with a fatal over dose of Viagra and enough alcohol to embalm my self, I couldn’t spend 8 hours nonstop surfing porn, but figuring that out is the indirect boss’s problem)

In the morning I will return the numbers to normal.  When anyone checks after that, the log will be just like they are when the indirect boss is around.  I can’t wait to see what happens next week.

It was very nice of my indirect boss to leave me a babysitter to play with while he is on vacation, I wonder what other forms of fun I can have……

My call from “Microsoft”

For reasons that I cannot fully understand, (or understand at all) I keep getting calls from ‘Microsoft’

These calls are annoying but serve to remind me that no matter how stupid I think humanity is, the fact they are still trying this pitch means that enough people have fallen for it to be worth the time to keep running it.

For me I take these calls as a chance to spread my creative wings. The calls go something like this:

Caller (with an inevitable Indian accent) “Hello this is Majarajs Pednsisofer with Microsoft computing we show your computer has a virus”

At this point I should just hang up, but where’s the fun in that, instead I put on my thickest white trash southern accent and reply something like this

“Holy shit on a stick, Effy Jo shut down that “Blondes with barn animals” website, this here fella says our computater has SARS. Quick go fetch your mama’s sponge bath gloves.”

“Thank you mister, you done saved my family, my youngest, he don’t never wash his hands, and after all his surfing, I just know his peckers gonna fall off now.
SARS WOW – I bettcha we done did get it from that Chinese place we ate at. I thought it was strange them Chinese fellers talking in Spanish – now I know the truth, it’s the Mexican mafia trying to force us to buy burritos so they done gits their cut. I heard from my cousin Daryl that they gets a kick back for every burrito anyone eats anywhere in the world…”

“What’s that Effy Jo ? Got Damn it I done tole her it was a glove not a five shot colostomy bag, never you mind about the gloves, just go get Jr’s condoms, and tell him he can’t go bangin his cousin tonight cause he’s outta rubbers and trying to use plastic wrap instead is why he’s here in the first place.”

Oddly at this point they hang up, or tell me I am not taking this seriously and then hang up.

Personally I think I am taking it as seriously as it deserves!