wet random thoughts.

Hello my Fellow Miscreants,

Today, as I sit in my car surrounded by the beautiful sound of rain drops, I can’t help but let my mind wander to new events of the last couple of days.

Of course I say that because the rain drops are coming an a horrendous rate and the water surrounding my car is creeping up the door while I pray the car in front of me is able to get started before I find myself swimming for the bus stop.

I also have had to deal with the wee one going to a new and scary place.  It’s tough. I want to go with them, to protect them and keep them safe. To punch the bullies, and beat down the people running the place so they don’t mistreat them.  It is nerve wracking.

But wife sized unit said ‘No’ to that. Both because she doesn’t want me arrested (such a dear) and because it’s her new job!

Thanks to the last of the children moving out recently, we are now an official double income no kids type of couple.  This means improved beverage choices (not just what’s on sale, but what we want to drink) and that we can go out and eat more and have more fun.

Of course that would be easier if we weren’t so freaking tired from work.   Why can’t the bosses just give us the pay checks and not make us do that work stuff?

Losing her Touch

Yesterday was terrifying to me!  Because of obligations I made I needed to take my wife sized units van. And because of her refusal to ride the neighbor’s dog like a horse, she took my car.

This alone would not worry me much. It’s a fact my small car is easier to park, far more nimble than the van, and wife sized unit is used to being unnoticed by larger lumbering predators, so she knows when and how to move.

The problem comes from her health kick.  Now that we are in our forties, and unfortunately know better. Mixed with her desire to live as long and as well as possible there are some food items that are no longer allowed in our house.

I miss chips, I miss pretzels, I miss all my copious amounts of red meat. But the single largest loss to me: doughnuts.

I brought some home once, and explained to my wife sized unit that they were healthy! I asked the woman behind the counter if they were free range, antibiotic and hormone free doughnuts.  I took that confused face she made as meaning all doughnuts are that way.  Hence these are healthy doughnuts.

Wife sized unit did not see it that way, and forbid doughnuts from the house.

In a single declaration I became an outlaw. I was forced to smuggle my round pieces of heaven into the house.  Most times she would not catch me. Every now and again I would find my smuggled round beauties with bit marks, or gone all together.

I was not sure if it was the wife sized unit or the teen age son that found and decimated my stash. Really there was no way to find out. After all anytime you open with “Who ate the food items I smuggles in against the wife and Dr’s orders?” you never get that question answered!

I have been forced to hide my stash in the car now.

While driving her van to my contract job I reached under the driver’s seat, to suddenly realize when I exchanged Keys I forgot to move my stash. I don’t know what fresh hell was under her seat, but I knew that my beloved breakfast feasts were under the seat of the car she was driving. They would make themselves known when she moved the seat (at 4’10” she can’t use the same position that her 6’2” husband does). Even if somehow she missed the package, the doughnuts will end up making my car smell like doughnuts when the sun comes out.

I waited all night for the inevitable fall out of her discovery, but somehow she missed my little beauties. This maybe the first time I was glad she failed to return the seat to where I keep it. My precious survived, undetected.

My wife is losing her touch, although I suspect the Novocaine the Dentist gave her was a factor.

Sick again

Hello my miscreants, I am once again recovering from being sick. and this time I know that cause.  The blame is 100 % my wife’s fault.

the problem she has is because she is not a professional writer like me (I consider my self a professional now that I have made $ 1.12 on my first release) so I understand the importance of the order of words and punctuation.  the famous joke about the difference between “Let’s eat Grandma” and “Let’s eat, Grandma”

sadly her command of english is at a lesser point then mine. I mean sure she can do things that I can’t (spell, use punctuation, identify verbs from adverbs) and other fancy things, but she does not know the proper order to put words in.

before I explain I should point out one detail, I am allergic to Onions. I don’t turn funny colors or have my throat swell shut, but my stomach  starts to pound and lets just leave it at, my wife prefers to sleep in the van.  of course despite this reaction, I also love Onions.  It’s a one way relationship.

so she used 2 sentences in the wrong order.

1) ” There is French Onion Dip (one of my favorites) in the Fridge. Don’t touch it”

2) “I’m taking a nap”

so now I have both a pounding stomach, an empty container of Onion Dip, and a headache being caused by a constant audible input, sounding something like “dumb butt I told you not to eat that”

thats not the way I heard it.