There are Worse fates then a Cubical.

Hello my fellow miscreants,

Random thoughts for you all today.   I have been working for almost a full week!  I forgot how little I liked working, but I have not scored a winning lotto ticket, and none of my fans have offered to adopt me yet so if I want to keep eating and not sleep under a bridge I suppose I will have to put up with this.

Today I also received my cubicle assignment.  That’s right, I am back in the world of cloth walls.  It’s so Dilbert-esque that I am expecting to see Wally or a pointed headed boss come in.  as part of my move in, today I get to clean out my cubical.  So far I have found a ton of vendor swag and have decided that next time someone tells you to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, they are probably talking about a cubical (mine or any of the millions of others).  On the bright side, there is one guy whose cubical is next to the bathroom doors, so not only does he have the pleasure of knowing everyone’s bowl cycles, but because it’s a single door, when you walk in or out, the air is pulled from there and lands in the cubical.

If he thinks hard enough about it, and realizes that orders are in fact molecules of the original source small enough to become air born, the horror of that realization would make even a non- germiphobic person spray down their cubical with a 55 gallon drum of disinfectant.

It’s good to be back to work, is it 5 yet ?


Monday Missed me.

Hello my fellow miscreants,

So this is my first working Monday on over a month, and I have decided that Monday missed me.  I suspected this would be the case when I woke to find I have no Redbull.   I went to check my email, I have no internet; Comcast is doing ‘maintenance’.  I go to the doughnut shop, to find out they are sold out of my favorite doughnuts. Go to the new Job, but the parking lot is being stripped so have to go to the back lot which is full already, making me park a block away, at least it’s already 85 degrees outside.  Got to the training room to find the AC is out. It takes only a few minutes for me to soak through my shirt.

All this plus I have to go from my office to my interview.  So I get to drive home, grab a clean shirt, then drive like myself (IE a mad man) to the interview – then depending on mood and time, go back to the office, which means going home to get my other dirty shirt back on. (Don’t want to explain why I got a clean shirt for a doctor appointment) and finish the day.) of course, when I am almost back to the office the new boss calls, turns out he is going home, so I don’t have to worry about coming back.

My big interview went like Crap, so all that work and missed time may well be for nothing.

And of course, the last piece of this twisted excuse for a day, I got another call for an interview, but I had to tell them sorry, I can’t interview until Thursday.

A Monday this epically bad can only happen because Monday has missed messing with me…


The Fall out from the Fair last Friday

Hello all My Fellow Miscreants,

As many of you know, I am STILL unemployed.  The back ground check required for me to start is still stalled.  Some of you may also recall that Friday I went to a job fair.  The reason for me to go was simple, there was a position I wouldn’t mind doing, the distance being a possible factor, that and because I have to turn in 3 applications a week or they will cut my unemployment.

So with all the planning of “Oh crap, I need to do 2 more this week” I went to a county job fair, not even taking it seriously.   I was bemoaning the fact there wasn’t going to be funnel cakes or a midway.

As it turns out had I been watching closer, I would have noticed a detail, something that god/the universe was trying to tell me.

The County’s job fair, it was not for the county – it was for the county library.   If there is any place that I would want to ply my IT Skills, a library would be in the top 3, maybe right under the strip clubs.   Needless to say I did a last minute adjustment to my attitude, and am thank full I didn’t stop at the bar right across the street first.

The interview was pretty normal, and I sailed through the technical side, and the personality tests.  It was during one of the questions, the fact that I am currently an author came up, and the fact that I am working on a local writer’s anthology, as the editor of record.   The person that was interviewing me, in addition to being on the IT staff is also tasked with trying to do outreach to local authors, and writers.  To grow the library’s collection of Ebooks and start some initiatives about publishing, again to increase the library’s role in literature.

We ended up spending more time talking about those roles and how I could possibly fit into them then we did the job I was after.

I just sent my thank you letter, and included Rakasha 2.0 (yes the new versions is ready it’s going to Pub after I update my blog and do my applications for the week) It is the first time I have ever actually identified my book to a potential employer.  Most times, employers think “if he wants to be an author, he won’t do a good job for us” and I doubt reading my horror book will do anything to enhance their perceptions of my sanity. In this case, that’s 100% wrong, I think the book will have exactly the effect I want the “Oh, he could be a wonderful resource for us as well as fixing out IT and computer issue”

To quote will smith from the movie I Robot “I had a normal day once, it was a Thursday”

Another Day at the Fair.

Hello my Fellow Miscreants.

I am still at home watching Day time TV and happy that I don’t own a melon baller, otherwise by now I would have scooped out my eyes, or maybe parts of my brain to avoid any more Day Time TV.  The 2 jobs that both were going to hire me both encountered ‘issues’ one is waiting for a back ground check to complete (believe it or not, my past is clear, or at least officially – if they start to interview my friends and bartenders, that could change, but on paper and with the authorities I am as pure as snow [a statement about the inefficiencies of modern data collection and reporting, but that’s another post altogether]. The other is still sifting out what they are going to do [my salary requirements were more than they wanted to spend, although I am bringing more skills & talents then they thought they could get in one person].

In order to support myself and my bad habits (bonds men are not cheap) I have decided today to get all dressed up and go to a local job fair.  This is always interesting, and I am seeing that job hunting and dating are two things that have been utterly ruined by the internet.  Back in the day when I first started dating, there was no internet. I couldn’t have a joke page, Wikipedia and whatever other page would feed me information to appear more appealing to my selected target. I had to learn all of this in advance, and try to not stare at my targets chest while delivering my pickup lines and banter.  Enter the internet and with multiple tabs, I can feign that I know all about Peruvian banjo music or whatever other obscure interest my target may have. Not that I can test this theory, my wife-sized unit has a strict no dating policy.

Job hunting is about the same way, they can ask me what ever question they want over the internet, and I will answer it fully, completely and correctly – as long as I am sure not to include the requisite Microsoft article number.  Going to a job fair, I must have the answers in my own head and truly know it.  For me, this is a good thing, after 22 years of doing IT I know the answers to almost all the questions.  I have NEVER been eliminated from a Job because of the technical issues, normally its other factors.  At a Job fair, in person, and with my humor in check, I have a good chance of scoring at least two interviews.

I just wish they had a Ferris wheel  or at least some good old-fashioned unhealthy midway food at these things.


More Humor from the Universe

Hello my fellow Miscreants,

today the God/the Universe have decided to teach me another lesson, this time in humility.  As many of you know I am working as the editor of record for the Denver area Writers Meetup 1st annual anthology.   tonight, we had our first meeting to discuss the pieces and decide their fate.  8 pieces were up for review,  1 was rejected before review, because the author has dropped communication with us making it impossible to use his piece.  the other 7 pieces were reviewed.  as the editor of record I disallowed my self from voting on the pieces,  I did leave my self the option to override with in very limited parameters the decision of the panel. No one on the panel knows who the author of each piece is, only I do.

There is a point system, and 6 people on the panel.  6 points and the piece is in the anthology.  Anything over 13 points, and your piece is out.  6 to 12 points and the piece can be used, but the author will have to address some specific complaints.

3 of the pieces were rejected, one scoring an impressive 17 (meaning everyone said No and 1 person said maybe)

two pieces scored a 7 and 2 of them got 8’s

1 got a perfect 6.

My Veto power was good enough that the 7 was moved into the accepted range.  the other 7 will need only a very small number of edits, in truth it was suggested that I put both the 7’s through.

so tonight I start the process of personalizing 2 emails to the authors that got the 8, asking them for specific changes and to resubmit.  The other pieces I have to thank they kindly, but tell them that for the moment, the pieces would need far more work then we believe can be done in the time frame.

so where is the humor in this almost laborious setup ?  (and why am I not sending an email to the person that scored the 7?)

the piece that got a 7 is mine…

Needless to say, not only do I get to write 3 emails (2 specific, 1 very generic) but I then get to make the 6 changes to my story and resubmit to a new panel

I once was told that “if Beer is author juice, the tequila is editor Juice”  I am starting to understand what that means.

Failed the First Drug Test

Hello all my fellow miscreants,

today I will have to go back to take my drug test, again.

yes sadly I failed the first one that I took yesterday.  For those of you in the know, you have to be thinking “how did he  fail it so fast”  the truth is I failed it instantly.

did they detect some obscene drug in my system ? did they have x-ray or some type of spectra-graphic vision and see the problem. was I munching on a bag of Taco Hell and giggling while calling everyone Dude or buddy ?

NO – it was my own bad habit that failed me, one that I should truly apologize for. One that is born from my love of doughnuts and Potato chips, and my habit of eating meals served in bags by places that have slides and ball pits.

that’s right, once I topped of my sample cup,  I was informed that I had failed, and would have to re-test. because they heard water running in the restroom.

they forgot to tell me NOT to wash my hands.   I would say how badly this pissed me off, but the pun is too easy (even if accurate)

I just got the email saying they will pay for another pretest (according to their policy they normally don’t, but they can see the issue on this one) So  today after I fill another sample cup, I will thank them, and give them a hardy hand shake!

its moments like that I realize there is a reason I don’t like to leave my basement!

How to NOT get a job (unless you’re me)

Hello my fellow Miscreants!

For those of you wondering, as of next Monday I no longer be home and semi-productive, but working at an office being semi productive. Of course to get there I had to do the final step of the process.

I need to warn all of you, Try this at home at your own risk. It worked for me, but then again my luck and skills and talents tend to mix in strange numbers.

The process with this recruiter is simple, and the key to success is making an impression. I have two real options, 1) use my humor or 2) weld my name to a cast iron frying pan and smack them on the forehead.   I chose to use option 1, being as my wife-sized unit would be very upset if I ruined her frying pan, not to mention I don’t want my name beaten into my own forehead.

Today’s last ‘step’ was the HR review.  This is a process where someone with too much time and or no other marketable skills sits down with you and goes over the application you just filled out.  I assume they are hoping that I will trip up on one of the questions on the form and they can heroically save the company, before the credit & background check do it and steal all the credit.

Those of you that read my blog know how well I do with BS, and being that I have completed this entire process so far doing everything wrong, I didn’t see a reason to change course now.

The form has some yes/no questions the script probably reads she asks the candidate says yes/no and if needed she asks for more information. Too bad she didn’t give me a copy of the scrip first.

HR:  Do you have a phone?

Me (while holding my cell in left hand) do you mean embedded?

HR looks up with a smirk, and checks the Yes button

HR: Do you have reliable transport

ME: a Car, a Jeep, a Van and my neighbor has a dogsled and 8 poodles.

HR chuckles and checks yes

HR: do you have any Felony convictions?

ME: if you get me a bottle of Vodka and a few hours I can probably get something done.

HR Chuckles again and once again hits the Yes

ME: That may be premature.

She corrects it, and asks the next question, starting to think I am not taking this seriously, although in truth I am taking it as seriously as it deserves.

HR: will you consent to a drug test?

ME: I know the ones you smoke give you munchies, and the powered ones make you hyper, but yeah I’d be willing to give them a taste test for you

HR (Fully laughing at this point) No I mean will you pee in a cup

ME: (as I reach for her coffee cup) well I can top this off for you, but I think the caffeine levels will show too high.

At that point, the interview was done, she either realized how stupid it was, or realized that I was going to keep being a smart ass.  She did give me the contact name, and the information, reviewed the paperwork and setup.

I am not sure if there is a lesson to all of this for us or not, I mean to get this contract, I was 10 minutes late to the phone interview, went to the real interview with a touch of a hangover, and was a smart-ass with the HR person.  And the result of all of this misbehavior is 90 days with renewal options and hire options at a pay rate that is more than both my kids together make.

The universe is a funny place….